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| Jessica’s face clearly says “I am going to sexually harass that robot.” |
Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
The Parademon invasion only got worse in Justice League #3, as the hordes of Apokalipsian terrors abducted humans for reasons unknown. Who was to blame for this? Well, according to the media, it was all on the superheroes. Distrust of superheroes is the current big thing, don’t you know? More on the later, though. Of course, the heroes tried their best to fight them off, continuing to make jokes about Batman not having any powers and about Hal being an idiot in the process, now with the aid of Wonder Woman, who just happened to be nearby. I think? Diane was shown to be in D.C., and the other heroes were in Metropolis, so I’m not quite sure what happened there. While they all kicked ass, the Parademons flew over to some sort of tower that rose out of the ocean, giving a proper opening for a badass introduction to Aquaman. Meanwhile, at S.T.A.R. labs, Dr. Stone performed the surgery to make his son into the Cyborg we know and love today, including a face plate that just so happened to have on hand and just so happened to cover up the burns that Vic suffered. Right.
But that’s not what is important. What’s important is that when Diana showed up and proceeded to tear a hole in the Parademons’ defense, Hal’s sole impressed remark was “Dibs,” in a way that many can (and have) interpret as furthering the objectification of women. I know what you’re thinking: “But Walt,” you say, “while that remark may be sexist, it’s being made by a character who, throughout this issue, has been made out to be rash, headstrong, and – to put it simply – an idiot. Clearly, due to the context of who is saying the remark and the light he is portrayed in, we aren’t supposed to assume that Hal is ‘correct’ in making such a remark at all. And besides, Diana completely ignored it. It would be one thing if Johns made it so this supposed icon of feminine power was turned on by being treated like a thing and not a person, but that’s not what happened. There is the problem that she is instead attracted to the man that is clearly the strongest and most destructive, but that’s a whole new can of worms that nobody seems to be interested in, looking instead for more superficial flaws.” I know you’re thinking this, because I’m thinking it, too. Now that I’ve pissed half of you off, let’s continue.
After almost two consecutive years of appearing in nearly every book that Marvel was putting out, I can understand if you want to take a break from Norman Osborn. Too bad. In the current semi-crossover between Avengers and New Avengers, Osborn is forming a new Dark Avengers team, almost entirely made up of complete nobodies, and teaming H.A.M.M.E.R. up with HYDRA and A.I.M. to confront the superheroes. Meanwhile, in Avengers #19, it’s time for a new Avengers roster. Cap approached a few old friends, such as T’Challa. Black Panther turned him down, though – not a smart move, considering the recent news about his book’s cancellation. Instead, Steve settled for his wife. If you can call choosing the living embodiment of the weather “settling.” I won’t talk about how Wolverine and Storm are on different “sides” of the X-Men and one might be uncomfortable with the other, but… I guess I just did. Also, Tony rebuilt the original Vision (well, the Marvel original), in what can only be read as Bendis apologizing for killing him in the first place in a way akin to an eight year old, where you know he isn’t really sorry and is just rubbing it in your face. At a press conference announcing the new lineup, because that’s what you need after World War III – well, more like VII at this point – Osborn interrupted the event to accuse the Avengers of imprisoning him without trial. If you ask me, the same thing should happen to anyone with hair like that.
Continued belowI’m going to temporary break my snark for a prediction of the next couple of years at Marvel. At the end of this arc, Norman is going to die, fake his death, or just be brutally beaten in public. The American populace are thus going to realize that Norman was “right,” turn on the Avengers, and revere Norman as a hero, never mind that he allied himself with organizations that are pretty much defined as “Nazis but worse” and “People who love technology for the ways it helps them blow things and people up.” We will then have a little while with the Avengers being hated by the public and on the lamb, much like the Dark Reign years, and the upcoming Ultron War will be the Siege equivalent that makes everyone love them again. Anyone want to bet? My bank account really could use a boost.
Oh my god I’ve only written about two comics so far.
Fear Itself finally wrapped up – no, The Fearless doesn’t count – with #7.3 this week, focusing on Tony Stark. We were given a simultaneous narrative of Tony’s confrontations with Odin and the de-powered Grey Gargoyle. One important thing to note: Odin came. To see Stark. Tony Stark. He came to see him. He being Odin, king of the gods. Jesus, and people give Bendis a hard time for his dialogue. The Grey Gargoyle story, set a few days later, had Tony debating killing Duval while he was helpless. Sure, he was possessed, but he pretty much killed an entire city. The Thing and The Hulk caused a ton of death and destruction as well, but that’s different! They were possessed! At the end, though, it was revealed that Odin took pity on us mortals and restored the entire population of Paris. This, of course, raises an important question: Does bringing a countless amount of people back to life change the fact that they were killed in the first place and thus eliminate the cause for justice? At least, that’s the question Fraction wanted us to grapple with. Personally, I was distracted by a different question: Does Tony get to keep that sweet-ass faux Destroyer Uru armor? God I hope so.
Moving out of “Spider Island,” Dan Slott’s Amazing Spider-Man entered a new arc with #674, about mysterious “suicides” that don’t stack up. At least, that’s what Carlie tried to tell her superior officer before being both told off and kicked off for being too smart. No, I don’t mean that the officer was a dirty cop and thought she knew too much, he just didn’t like her being smarter than him. Really. That same cop led a group of police officers that caught Peter in a high-rise apartment with a dead body. Let me explain. Apparently there have been a series of high-rise burglaries by someone with, assumedly, Spider-Powers. Of course, when Pete tries to explain this, the same guy that got pissed at Carlie outright threatened the wed-slinger with gun violence, even after the situation had dissolved and explanations had been made. Seriously, who let this dude on the force? It wasn’t a Spider-Person, though; there’s a new gang of Vultures in town. You can tell they’re bad people because they dress all counter-culturally. Well, strike that. You just know that the new, relatively innocent kid is going to be uncomfortable when he finds out that they’ve been killing people and will change sides at just the right moment to turn the tables in Spidey’s favor, despite how gothic he looks. It’s like one of those goddamn Foundation for a Better Life commercials. And can you guess who is secret brains of the organization? Go on, you’ll never get it. Adrian Toomes, otherwise known as: The Vulture. Slow down, Shyamalan.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in, especially considering I got particularly verbose and only talked about four titles? Well… you can email me as usual, but I’m being drowned in school work at the moment. But I’ll try my best to help!
