Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
So. Fantastic Four #600. Where do we begin? Well, the Kree invasion of Earth has begun, as part of their attempt to exterminate the Inhumans. Ronan’s wife, Crystal, isn’t too happy about that, considering she’s an Inhuman. Ah, those newlyweds. If they had just played The Newlywed Game Ronan would know genocide isn’t one of her turn-ons. And while all this was going on, the Cult of the Negative Zone used their alternate-Richards-designed pylons to open the gateway in the Baxter Building. Peter got there just in time for the door to open only to see… Johnny Storm? Color me surprised (that’s surprised magenta, near the burnt umber in a typical Crayola pack)! And with Annihilus on a leash? Kinky. That’s our cliffhanger for the ongoing story, but we were then given a flashback story about Johnny’s adventures in the Negative Zone. At the end of “Three” he put up quite a fight, going nova a couple of times, but ultimately he was killed. Thankfully for Johnny Storm fans, and regrettably for people that only like characters that aren’t annoying as hell, The Negative Zone is like a cross between Valhalla and the movie Gladiator where Johnny is a Russell Crowe that keeps coming back to life. After organizing a revolt with fellow gladiators, Johnny attacked Annihilus to get control of the Cosmic Control Rod, literally seconds before the door opened and Pete saw him. Convenient! Also, apparently Franklin is more or less God. No wonder the world is such a screwy place.
Last month’s Shade #1 ended with the titular character being hacked into small, bit-sized chunks by Deathstroke the Terminator. Would you be surprised if I told you that the whole thing was revealed to be a ruse at the beginning of issue #2? If you would, then you clearly haven’t been reading comics for a while. Apparently it was actually some shadow construct of The Shade’s, which… whatever, I’m not even going to discuss how stupid and cheap that is. From there, Mr. Swift told Hope O’Dare his plan to traverse the globe a bit to find out who actually wanted him dead, never mind that he just established that said person was wholly incompetent. After getting a tipoff from Bobo Bennetti – come on, you remember Bobo, don’t you? – that a certain Will Von Hammer. You know, that guy from the issue prior who didn’t do much besides shoot some people. Don’t worry, he shot more people this issue, too! Shade showed up just in time to save Von Hammer from fellow shadow-kin Bete-Noire, ruthlessly killing the French wraith. Taking the time to talk it out, The Shade learned from Von Hammer that someone isn’t so much after his life as they are his blood. The proper response? To go… to Australia? Can’t say I follow you, Dickie.
I don’t think I even have to make any jokes about Wolverine and the X-Men #2. It was ridiculous enough on its own, and I mean that in the best way possible. First of all, the Hellfire Cubs (thanks, Chad) had apparently infected the two New York Education Department staffers with viruses that would turn them into a Sauron and a Wendigo, respectively. I suppose that Logan could argue that they’re the ones endangering the students, but that probably wouldn’t fly. As if that wasn’t enough, the kids pulled out – get ready for this – rocket launchers that fired Frankenstein monsters carrying flamethrowers. Also, while the X-Men franchise is filled with strange romantic pairings, the scene where the intelligent Broodling falls for Idie just takes the cake.
Continued below
Love: It’s adorable, and slightly icky. Speaking of love, after Bobby pretty much embraced his true nature as an Omega-level mutant by making ice-sculptures of himself in order to suppress the madness going on, he gave Kitty a big ol’ kiss. You hear that? That’s the sound of Kitty/Pete fans typing angry email after angry email to Marvel. That’s the sound of victory. It wasn’t enough, though; the living earth monster was revealed to be – shocker – Krakoa, the living landmass that the X-Men have been smacked around by more than a few time. Unfortunately, the one mutant on hand who can spank the destructive entity, Quentin Quire, is currently going through one of those anti-authority phases. I remember those years, though I didn’t have incredible psychic powers or the lives of others in my hands. That was probably for the best.
Speaking of silly things, Invincible Iron Man #510 had Tony taking Splitlip, the dwarf from Fear Itself to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. That’s like trying to stop a Editor’s note: There is no way I am letting you publish something that offensive, Walt. Anyway, Tony ditched the dwarf in order to stop a robbery getaway, but these crooks were armed with advanced tech that caused Stark to crash his suit. Still, they were taken down and into custody – at least, they were going to be, until Ezekiel Stane caused a bomb in one of them to blow up. After doubling back to pick up Splitlip, Stark stopped his car to help a woman replace her tire, only to find out he was actually being subpoenaed to give up his suit’s biometric information. I’m sure this has nothing to do with him drinking –
Oh… never mind. Still, I gotta ask the Mandarin how the hell he expects anyone to take a newspaper using the Lorem Ipsum text seriously. Come on, how did
Alejandro Arbona
Robbie Robinson let such a thing reach the printers?
In Greg Pak’s first issue of Astonishing X-Men, #44, we had a tour de force of every single great X-Men idea, such as:
- Storm with a mohawk.
- Cyclops using his optic blast to fly.
And… that’s it. Those are the only two great X-Men ideas. And even then, they didn’t “really” happen. After the mohawked Storm assaulted Scott and Utopia out of the blue and the two exchanged super-powered makeouts (my typical reaction to when a girl with a mohawk chucks lightning bolts at me), Scott realized something was wrong. You think? Snapping back to “reality,” Summers found himself in some kind of giant test-tube, with his new neighbors Emma, Mustachioed Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler. Apparently their powers are being channeled to keep some alternate-reality city powered, and to keep this guy looking fabulous.
No, really, I don’t know who he is.
The opening picture, by the way, is from Secret Avengers #19, by Warren Ellis and Michael Lark. There’s no reason for you not to read it, so, no, I’m not going to give you a summary.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in, especially considering I got particularly verbose and only talked about four titles? Well… you can email me as usual, but I’m being drowned in school work at the moment. But I’ll try my best to help!
