Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
Joining me this week is fellow Multiversity writer and Tumblr sensation, Gilbert Short!
Daredevil #8 picked up where Amazing Spider-Man #677 left off. I was pleased with the first issue of this crossover two-parter if only because Spider-Man and Daredevil got along from the get-go, avoiding all that silly fighting due to miscommunication before finding out their motives are similar and teaming-up. So, I’m sure you can guess what happened in this issue: Daredevil and Black Cat briefly fought each other due to miscommunication before finding out their motives were similar and teaming-up. The new trio set off for the home of Wasserschmidt, the man whose hologram projector had been stolen, and found him tied up in a hidden room with Daredevil’s radar sense. Matt always gets the lamest jobs in team-up missions. Wasserschmidt had been poisoned, and so Spidey swung off to get him to a hospital. Bad move. I know I’d never leave the girl I was trying and failing to get in bed with off with a cooler, though admittedly more low-tech, version of me, in fear that he might succeed (foreshadowing!). Hornhead and Black Cat made their way to Tele-Com, the culprits of the caper, and recovered the projector after being split up. While separate, Felicia learned that this whole heist, framing included, was set up to solicit her help in a different heist: Stealing the Omegadrive from Matt. How does that make you feel, Matt?
Oy. Normally, I’d say something about bad luck, but let’s be honest: Matt doesn’t have the best track record with women. His lovers have an even poorer record of living happily ever after. For once, Felicia might want to look out for bad luck. The two returned to Matt’s apartment and proceeded to do what happens when one hero and another hero like each other a whole lot, until Foggy gave Matt a ring to let him know his father’s body was missing from its grave. Dead parents are the worst kind of cockblockers.
This week’s Batman – #5, true believers! -Maniacal Matt Meylikhov – was difficult to read, due to some really egregious printing errors. Upside-down pages, sideways pages, inside-out pages… seriously, who let this book hit the printers in the shape it was in? Still, I somehow managed to trudge through it, and here’s the gist of it: Having been captured by the mysterious Court of Owls, Bruce finds himself stuck in a maze from which there seems to be no escape. The only source of water is drugged, but it’s a case of either be tripping out or die of thirst. An easy choice, if you ask me,
and that’s not because of my mild recreational drug use.
Haunted by the faces of those whom have been killed by the Court of Owls, hallucinations of his parents, and a bad case of owl hands – think Hulk hands, but not as fun – Bruce finally finds his way out… only to find himself back in the room he began in. Good job, guys, you drove a man who fights crime while dressed as a bat crazy. I’m sure that took a lot of effort. But that’s not all! Right after Bruce’s cracking moment, the mysterious Talon from previous issues finally emerges from the shadows and drives a blade through Bruce’s back. Yep, I’m sure he’s dead for good this time.
Avengers #21 was, quite simply, a montage of “Earth’s Mightiest” getting their asses handed to them. First, Jessica Drew tried to convince the grey Hydra Hulks that attacked her and Hawkeye that she was a double-agent for Hydra, even going so far as to knock Clint out. That’s not too convincing, though; the new costume makes me want to hit him as well. The Hulks saw through it, and just barely got a hold of her before she could escaped and knocked her out. An eye-for-a-Hawkeye, I guess. Red Hulk, by contrast, was taken out in the span of two pages by a horde of Wasp-suited drones, while Storm lay on the ground unconscious and unhelpful – which is hilarious, considering she looks so heroic on the cover of the issue. Iron Man’s compromised suit was almost bested by Space Ghost the Plutonian, but Noh-Varr hesitated at the last minute and was taken down himself. Finally, a group of Giant Men attacked the Quinjet with Cap, Maria Hill, and the newly-rebuilt Vision, and even though the trio escaped before the ship crashed, they were soon – guess what? – knocked out and captured. How does that make you feel, Maria?
…right. Take it away, Gil!
Over in Uncanny X-Men #5, they went back to that place in Montana where the crazy shit happened in Uncanny X-Force a few months back, but it’s not like I had to clarify, because nothing happens in Montana aside from mutant emergencies anyway. Meanwhile, Magneto and Psylocke shared a special moment where he channeled his own Jewish mother and tried to guilt Betsy for being in X-Force in the first place. Meanwhile, Namor tries to impress everyone some more by displaying an ability to communicate with marine life. No one really understood why, because Aquaman has had that ability for 70 years and it’s been a punchline for 69 of them. Namor also claimed to be ineffable, which is true, because it seems the only one interested in effing Namor is, well, Namor. Finally, they found sentient life in Tabula Rasa (think The Superdome after Hurricane Katrina, only slightly less gruesome), beings who worship Warren and Grant MorrisonFantomex as gods. Then the Immortal One returned, who looked suspiciously like War Machine, only immortal-er. STAY TUNED FOR CONSEQUENCES! THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!
Oh,
and Scott was pooped out by the sentient Tabula Rasa.
Speaking of Uncanny things and X-Force, in Uncanny X-Force #5 it was a family reunion for the Braddock clan in the Omniverse. Betsy was kidnapped by her brothers so she can reassume her role as a protector of all the realities, which is a pretty big job if you ask me. Meanwhile, The Captain Britain Corps arrested Fantomex for his crimes against Baby Apocalypse. It was so slanted against Fantomex; you’d think he downloaded Friday by Rebecca Black illegally from Megaupload or something (Fantomex swears up and down that was Deadpool). Meanwhile, the AoA-Nightcrawler was adjusting to his role as a member of X-Force, hitting every bullet point in the “I’m the exact opposite of 616-Kurt in every way” list while doing so. In the end Fantomex was found guilty; X-Force showed up in Otherworld; Deadpool got his head cut off; AND Betsy became Lady Britain again. Because, you know, being on just two teams isn’t enough for your average X-Man anymore.
On the DC side of things, Wonder Woman really hit its stride with issue #5. So you know what that means, naturally, right? Fill-in artist! Aren’t you excited to know Cliff Chiang didn’t actually do this book? You AREN’T?! Well, don’t worry, Tony Akins did a serviceable job giving Diana a chin that puts Jay Leno to shame handling the adventures of the First Lady of DC meeting the Lord of the Seas, Poseidon, who looked like something you eat rolled inside rice and seaweed. There was also a magnificent bastard introduced in the character “Lennox” (or so he’s called), who is probably Zeus himself, but no one recognizes him as such anyway. It ends in possibly the most confusing way possible, too. Diana fights for Hera even though Hera hates her guts.
…I will never understand Amazons.
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
