Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
‘Tis the season to be jolly, and no one loves the holidays quite as much as the ancient Norse. You heard me. Journey into Mystery #632 was the Christmas Yule issue, and, all snark aside, it was a total blast. Volstagg played Santa! Kid Loki got punched! Hela thought to teach Loki what it means to be responsible for one’s pets! You read that last one correctly; apparently the demonic wolf that Loki had drafted earlier and left in the underworld got it on, Hel-houndy style, with Garm, resulting in a litter of seven supernatural puppies. Unable to take care of them all, Loki thus had to play the role of Santa, going around and giving one each to Mephisto, Gaea, Warlock, Heimdall, and Tyr, or just offering one up for auction via Tumblr. How modern. The most mischievous, though, was wanted by no one, but rather than kill it like the new All-Mothers suggested, Loki instead decided to keep the little terror and name him Thori. I’m not sure what bothers me more: That Loki named his pup something that sounds like an abbreviation of Thor/Loki slash fiction, or that my mind first jumped to that association. I need to get off the internet and go outside.
After flying in the Sinestro Corps battery for reasons and purposes I am still not quite sure of, but that will probably play into the inevitable deus ex machina at the climax of this arc, Hal was spat out unconscious, while Sinestro was overrun by his former soldiers. Coming to in a decharging cell, Hal wasted all of his battery trying to bust his way out, and, realizing it was futile, created a projection of Carol with his last few blips of ring energy. It would be sweet if Hal had more personality than a cardboard cutout. In a different room, Sinestro was being tortured by a corpsman who looked like Voldemort as a fat ICP fan:
See what I mean? Against a lord of fear, though, torture doesn’t really cut it, and so Sinestro was thrown into the cell next to Jordan – a cell filled with people whom he used to rule with an iron fist. Rather than debate politics, though, Sinestro had the sense to listen to Jordan’s idea to deputize all of the citizens and take the Yellow Lanterns by surprise. Unfortunately, the deputies instantly turned on Sinestro. Clearly, they hadn’t read the previous issues, where Hal demonstrated the futility of doing so – and I guess Johns hadn’t, either, because the ending wasn’t much of a cliffhanger, knowing that.
Norman Osborn’s return to the spotlight continued in the pages of New Avengers #19, which opened with three pages of Squirrel Girl trying – and failing – to flirt with Daredevil. I don’t know about you, but that’s exactly what I look for in my Avengers books. From there, we went to the wake of the attack on Stark Resilient, where Stark and the New Avengers complained and… well, that’s about it. Surely, the flashback to a day prior at H.A.M.M.E.R. headquarters was more exciting? Well, Gorgon strangled Viper twice, but they were both more of the traditional supervillain “Shut up” kind than “real” strangulation. Otherwise, they just talked about how crazy Norman Osborn was. News to me! Let’s see what the Avengers are doing now – no, they’re just beating themselves up some more. Sigh. Norman then briefed his new Dark Avengers and tried to pump them up by asking them whether or not they were better at what they do than their corresponding Real Avenger. Did he honestly think Trickshot was going to say “Nah, man, I’m pretty sure my brother’s a better shot than I?” Meanwhile, Spidey continued to act hella suspicious of Victoria hand, and Bendis dropped a few hints that she was Osborn’s “man on the inside,” especially since she sent the New Avengers on a fake mission to the middle of nowhere. Still, it’s too obvious, if you ask me. My money is on the real culprit being Squirrel Girl. Anyway, the team returned from wherever they were to find out that, while they were gone, the Dark Avengers had stopped an Atlantean invasion off-panel. You know, the one thing that actually “happened” in the issue.
Continued belowThe prelude to Marvel’s next big cash grab event began in Avengers: X-Sanction #1, opening with your typical Loeb/McGuinness two-page spread, littered with terrible one-liners. Okay, only a couple, but they were lame. The Avengers, plus the Falcon, were taking on the newest incarnation of the Lethal Legion, while a certain mysterious hooded figure watched in the distance through the scope of a sniper rifle. It couldn’t be Cable, presumed dead but on the cover of the issue, could it? Well, yeah, it was. While the Avengers were distracted, Cable shot the Falcon in the back and absconded with his not-quite corpse, and then reminisced about how he got there. How helpful, since last time we saw him he was, you know, dead. Except not really: Rather than die, he was instead rocketed into the far future, nearly fully taken over by his techno-organic virus and on the verge of completely losing the battle with said virus. Neat, I guess. Back to the present, then. Cap followed Sam’s bird to a ship, where he was being held hostage by Cable. Cue nice-looking but fairly boring fight sequence, in which Cable eventually trumped Cap. Steve eventually came to, secured to a chair and participating in some dull expositionary dialogue that established that, in future, the Avengers would do something to harm Hope, and as the proud papa you can be sure Nate wouldn’t let that happen. Cue headshot, which I’m sure is 100% real and not a fake-out, guys.
I’m one of those weirdos who refuses to open a polybagged issue for fear of ruining its value, so I can’t tell you what happened in the latest Uncanny X-Force, #18. Editor-in-chief Matt Meylikhov, however, can:
The finale to “The Dark Angel Saga” was released this week, as Fantomex and Psylocke beat the tar out of Archangel to prevent the supreme annihilation of our planet. Not content to leave him with a few black eyes, Fantomex taunted the conduit for Apocalypse with remarks about how much he enjoyed making out with Betsy behind Warren’s back — which would’ve usually been “SUPER EFFECTIVE!”, except that Warren is now Archangel and he’s got 99 problems but a – .. well, you get it. So he stabs Fantomex in the face and tosses Psylocke off of a balcony, brushing that dirt off his shoulders. Fantomex, however, pulls out his endgame, bringing in the clone En Sabah Nur he had stored in The World whom he had brainwashed to be a hero. The clone arrives in a specially made battle suit, declaring himself Genesis and attempts to take Archangel down, which, for the record, was a wonderful idea in theory — but, to quote GOB Bluth, come on. It is, in fact, Psylocke who finally manages to kill Archangel by stabbing him with the Life Seed while he’s distracted, at which point he reverts back to Warren, cold and alone. Psylocke uses her psychic ability to create a fictional life for the two of them that they live together in the span of minutes as Warren slowly dies, completely unaware of his actions and living the life he had always wanted. Let it not be said that Remender can’t give people bittersweet happy endings.
Thus, the heroes are victorious, Wolverine says “Good job, gang,” and everyone goes home. Oh, except for two things. 1) They find Warren Worthington alive miles from the wreckage of the World, full of amnesia. 2) It turns out Archangel got jiggy with Pestilence, and now she has her own Life Seed in her, if you know what I mean. So, “To Be Continued”, and all that.
On the topic of X-Men, Ultimate X-Men #4 gave us a bit of William Stryker Jr.’s history, showing the death of his family during Ultimatum and his decision to pack on scrapped Sentinal material as armor like some kind of mutant-hating version of the Road Warrior. Apparently this actually happened in the Ultimate X-Men tie-ins to Ultimatum, but I jumped ship on the first volume well before then. After a completely non-tongue-in-cheek Flyclops, can you blame me? We then jumped back to the future where, after having taken out nearly every authority figure in Midtown New York – as opposed to Midtown where else? – Stryker gave some speech about how he doesn’t hate mutants but hey if no one else is going to kill these mutants I might as well or something like that. Watching from totally-not-an-iPad, the unofficial new X-Men had different opinions about what to do; that is, everybody but Kitty wanted to put a stop to Stryker’s plan, while she preferred to stay alive. I don’t know about you, but Kitty’s plan sounds good to me, though trying to justify it by saying that it’s what Peter would have wanted probably isn’t a great idea. After Johnny acted totally – I’m so sorry – hotheaded and blew up at Kitty, the other kids left, leaving behind Kitty and the official Ultimate Maggott, who then proved to be just as useless as 616 Maggott by saying, essentially, “By the way, Rogue is totally in cahoots with Stryker, but that probably isn’t too important.” Your favorite character sucks, Brandon.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
