Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
Bendis knows what the real problem facing our nation these days is: Free speech. No, really. In a recent Avengers issue, Norman Osborn cornered Earth’s mightiest by taking over one of their press conferences. Now, in this week’s Avengers annual, Wonder Man took the stage in a press conference of his own – after thrashing the New Avengers in their own annual, released a couple of months ago – in order to accuse the Avengers of… pretty much the same things Osborn did. The issue, obviously, is their ability to talk unimpeded, and if we all just gave up that freedom for the good of us all, the Avengers would be able to go on saving the world like they always have.
As you might expect, the Avengers showed up and teleported Wonder Man’s Revengers – seriously, you wan’t people to think you’re the good guys? – away from the crowds and into a stadium, where their asses were thoroughly kicked. Tony was able to capture Simon’s energy and contain him, but while he was imprisoned, Simon tried to convince Hank that if he ever turned out to be right, that Hank would pull the trigger, so to speak. In response, Hank made this face.
And this one.
Simon has a point, though, and while Bendis is kind of driving at it a bit too hard between him and Osborn, I have to say that I agree. Who elected the Avengers? Nobody. Of course, they have done a lot of good, but they have also brought a lot of pain to the world of Marvel. Did they mean to? Not at all. But still, one can’t help but think that –
Wait, Glenn Beck agrees with Simon, too? Fuck this, I’m changing sides.
Avengers: X-Sanction #2 opened with Iron Man fighting one of the no-names of the new Lethal Legion before noticing Falcon’s lone bird, and following it to a seemingly abandoned freighter. Tony discovered the incapacitated Sam and Steve before Cable made his entrance, and had the man from the future on the ropes for a bit, but in the end Cable overpowered and captured the armored Avenger. Sound familiar? It should if you read Avengers: X-Sanction #1, because it’s exactly the same thing that happened, except with Iron Man instead of Captain America. Of course, Steve didn’t ask the important questions:
Are you drunk, Tony? Don’t answer that. Who would do this? How about the entire goddamn handbook of super-villains? Anyway, the big difference between the issues were the endings; in this case, Red Hulk showed up in the end and overpowered Cable with the power of gun, while the distracted Cable accidentally allowed his techno-organic virus to fully cover him. Come on, Loeb, labeling Rulk when he appeared in the background of one panel and nobody else in the entire book wasn’t enough of a blow job for your favorite creation?
In Uncanny X-Men #4, a remnant of the Phalanx found out the horror of the contemporary world – namely, that nobody cares about the Phalanx. Raging harder than any 90’s fanboy, he went and killed a whole town, until Cyclops and his Extinction Team showed up and sent him to his own heaven of pouches and bad haircuts. Yeah, that’s about all that happened.
Continued belowEllen confronted the remaining Hunter Three One in this week’s issue of Animal Man in order to save her son, Cliff, only to get a face full of… well, this:
I’ve seen some hentai in my time, so I think I know where this is going. No tentacle rape here, though; Buddy showed up just in time, freeing Ellen and taking on the hideous beast. That’s right, no one messes with Anim–
Okay, that’s just gross. Thankfully, Maxine managed to pull together her own rescue attempt by flexing her newfound powers and getting all the animals in the surrounding forest to gang up on the remaining Hunter and eat that son of a bitch. Brutal. At least, it would be, if eating one of those bad boys didn’t turn you into a fully contagious servant of the Rot. I swear, nobody can do anything right in this book. Now the Baker family is on a search for the Swamp Thing – wasn’t that published already – because, as we all know, plants can’t rot.
Speaking of Swamp Thing, issue #5 came out this week, wherein Alec and Abigail stocked up on foodstuffs and other supplies before venturing into the deadlands. As usual, though, it was all for naught – seriously, I wish I had a nickel for every time I typed something along those lines – because Abby’s brother William was right outside the convenience store the duo were ransacking, with a horde of pig and cow corpses in tow. You’d think they’d be able to smell William coming, but I guess not. William attacked his sister first, but Alec was able to use the power of love the Green to summon up some vines and chop up William’s steeds without becoming all… well, Swamp Thing-y. And what do you do when you defeat a kid who has the ability to amplify any ailment someone might be suffering until they become a quivering mass of dead flesh? You use your power of plant control to put him in a tree and make out with his sister, of course. While Alec and Abigail were busy locking lips, though, an agent of the Rot made his way to the Parliament of Trees. Remember, kids, every second spent acting on lust is a second where you risk handing life as we know it over to the forces of death and destruction.
In Action Comics #5, Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert told us of the death of an entire planet. Scientist Jor-El launched his only son off into space, where he landed on a planet whose sun made him extraordinarily powerful. Luckily, the baby Kal-El was found by a kindly couple who couldn’t have a child of their own, rather than by those who might try to exploit the child’s power.
Ground-breaking, guys.
There was also some weird thing at the end about “The Anti-Superman Army” stealing the core to Superman’s escape ship from the 31st Century, but I have to be honest and admit that – beyond what I just said – I’m not sure what happened there. It’s also worth mentioning that the original members of the Legion appeared in redesigned costumes. Because what the Legion continuity needed was a bit more confusion.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
