Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
After an opening that mixed foreshadowing with downright raunchiness, Daredevil caught us up with last issue’s cliffhanger: Battlin’ Jack Murdock’s casket has been stolen from his grave. Well, so have other people’s loved ones, but hell if Matt cares about them. The twist? The coffins are being stolen from underground. Like any rational blind man – admittedly, one with radar-sense – would do, Matt set off on a journey to the center of the earth, soon discovering that the caskets were being taken by Moloids. Those lovable scamps! After beating up a few of the little guys up, Daredevil followed their lead and used a coffin as a skiff, following them down an underground river and into a deeper cave. Seems safe, doesn’t it?
Meanwhile, Matt’s new squeeze, Black Cat, moved on to the next stage of the relationship: Breaking into her boy-toy’s apartment. That’s true love, guys. Within a few minutes, she had found a way into the safe containing the Omega Drive, a device chock-full of information on Marvel’s massive criminal organizations – but before taking it, there was a moment of hesitation. Love always wins out in the end, doesn’t it?
Guess not. Back in the underground, Daredevil finally stumbled across the Mole Man himself, who was found to be breaking open the caskets, searching for something. Unable to contain himself, Hornhead leaped from cover to attack the cretin, but was in for a nasty shock.
I promise I’ll never use that tired joke ever again. With Matt stunned, Mole Man went back to his desecration business, until he finally popped open one with a well-preserved female corpse, with which he began to sing and dance with. And here Waid was claiming that his Daredevil wasn’t going to be as dark and slimy as previous runs.
As the first page of Batman #6 reveals, Bruce isn’t quite dead. Phew, I was worried for a moment! I’m guessing that whatever hallucinogenic drugs were in the water are like PCP, and that so long as he doesn’t come down, Bruce will be unable to feel pain. Still, that knife that the Talon shoved through him is probably going to be a problem. In a moment of Gladiator-esque “Are you not entertained?” Talon requested of the Court – who had been perched above the labyrinth the entire time, naturally – what they would have him do with Bruce, and the court deferred their decision to their youngest member. I bet it was “Take him out for ice cream!”
Man, even the kids in Gotham are complete jerks. After a thorough thrashing – including being punched through a goddamn wall – Bruce appeared defeated, and the Court came down from the rafters to… lick his blood? I’m not quite sure what was happening there. Suddenly –!
Jesus Christ that’s one hell of a drug. With his second wind, Bruce repaid Talon with an equally thorough thrashing, making sure to punch him through a wall, too – twice! After giving Talon the stereotypical “You’re nothing special, just another criminal” speech that Bruce probably has memorized for occasions like these, the Caped Crusader blinded the Court of Owls – with science!
Blowing a hole in the floor and falling into the underground river below, Bruce seemed to have made his escape – until he surfaced into a panel of glass, and appeared to drown. Okay, now I’m sure he’s dead. The epilogue of sorts revealed that the caskets that Bruce had found in the previous issues contained more hibernating Talons, but I don’t get why this is supposed to be suspenseful. Didn’t Bruce just claim that the first Talon was just another common criminal? He beats up twenty of those a day. Weak, Snyder. Weak.
Enjoy that little blurb, because Magik, Colossus, Namor, and Hope only appear in Uncanny X-Men #7 as words. As the issue began, the hyper-intelligent Apex from the previous issue first dubbed himself “Good Apex,” and then led Scott, Storm, Psylocke, Danger and Magneto to the towering Palace of Slumber, and… my Scott, you certainly have let yourself go, haven’t you?
Looks like something the “Bad Apex” – Good Apex’s words, not mine – did caused the core of the tower to leak Celestial cosmic rays. Good Apex and the X-Men set off to find Bad Apex – I repeat, that’s really what they were called within the comic – and find out exactly what his plan was. And where would the alien super-scientist be found? Not in a lab, of course, but among his art projects. Apparently, not only were the Apex brilliant technologically, but creatively as well. Show offs. Bad Apex confirmed that, yes, he was planning to kill the race that replaced the Apex in order to bring back his species – which, of course, was the cue for a “Well then, we have no choice but to stop you” and a fight scene. While the X-Men got their asses handed to them, Good Apex prepared to deactivate the process Bad Apex had started, even though exposing himself to the cosmic rays would mean his death.
In his new Danger-Suit (patent pending), Good Apex made it to the core just in time to reverse the process and halt Bad Apex’s efforts. For a second, it seemed to be pointless – in its rage, the Bad Apex was prepared to scour the land by fire – but some fierce words from Storm were enough to hurt his feelings and make him go away in a burt of music (of course you would, Gillen). Everything’s saved, right?
Okay, maybe not.
This week saw two releases from the current Avengers architect Brian Michael Bendis with Avengers and New Avengers.
In Avengers, the Avengers — after being forced into conflict with Norman Osborn — are humiliated and defeated at the hands of Osborn’s goons and Osborn himself.
In New Avengers, the New Avengers — after being forced into conflict with Norman Osborn — are humiliated and defeated at the hands of Osborn’s political maneuvering and Osborn himself.
I’m beginning to sense a few similarities.
Also, Spider-Man asks Iron Fist to fist Ragnarok, an evil clone of Thor:
Thank god we abandoned the Comics Code!
In the latest part of “Circle of Four” contained within Venom #13.2, Venom and Hulk finally realize the definition of antithesis and switch dance partners accordingly, defeating the villains! Except then the villains come back and punch a hole through Rulk’s chest, pushing Venom over the edge into a shooting spree before his neck is snapped.
Continued below
Back at ground zero of the Hell invasion, X-23 is tricked into believing she has a soul before Blackheart drops her into a pit of fire. Ghost Rider is beaten down with some really convincing arguments, ultimately resulting in her removing the seal around Las Vegas and allowing Hell to spread outwards throughout the planet.
Overall, however, this is really no different than your average Tuesday in Las Vegas, let alone the Marvel U.
Still, though — Worst. Heroes. Ever. Am I right?
Finally, in Winter Soldier, Natasha and Bucky beat a gorilla with a .50 caliber machine gun as well as a bevy of goons, mostly thanks to Natasha’s incredibly flexible body.
Seriously. I don’t even know what exercises she must do on a regular basis.
After the gorilla flies away on a jetpack, Natasha and Bucky retreat back to home base, at which point they learn that Dr. Doom is ok despite getting hit in the face with an RPG, and Bucky is finally able to name the other Winter Soldier operatives, slowly narrowing the road to who is controlling them (despite us, the readers, knowing full well that it is Red Ghost and Lucia Von Bardas in a nice use of dramatic irony).
Bucky and Natasha infiltrate an auction held by Bad Juju Acquisitions Group based on some Fury intel, hiding in plain sight underneath the coolest clothes they own. After a brief and inevitable fight scene, they ultimately learn that a Doombot has been sold to the mysterious person they’re after (ahem — LUCIA VON BARDAS).
Over in Wonder Woman, there was an epic showdown of the ugly dudes who call themselves gods against Diana and her motley crew of gods and humans. Most of the issue was Diana smacking around minor gods while herself getting smacked around by Poseidon, who was less human and more of a BEARSHARKTOPUS.
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| Awkward. |
Wonder Woman attempted to end a war between Poseidon and Hades before it started by offering her step mom as a wife to both Hades and Poseidon.
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| Pimp My Mom, a new reality show from MTV! |
That’s right. She tried to pimp out her stepmom; who has been trying to kill her. Needless to say, Hera was NOT amused. Poseidon got an OH SNAP moment out of it, though.
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| So THAT’S where Cee-Lo got that outfit. |
But this was all a ruse on the part of Diana, Lennox and Hermes, who stole one of Hades’ head candle things so she could destroy Hera’s pool that let her find anything anywhere. Think that new show The Finder, only less funny. But now Hera can’t find anything. Unfortunately, during the fray Zola was kidnapped by Hades because of what she’s carrying in her belly. Sometimes it’s rough being a mom.
 | Continued below
| The SHLORK heard ’round the world. |
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| Thanks, DAD. *eyeroll* |
Supergirl has it rough. Last issue ended with her pinned up on a wall in her hometown of Argo City, and unable to move for whatever reason. After a totally pointless flashback to “happier times” she had a total Ghost moment where her parents helped her pull the giant honkin’ sword from her cape.
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| Her dad is Patrick Swayze |
Amazingly, after she pulled herself from the wall (just in time, mind you), her cape was inexplicably repaired. As if it was never pierced with a giant Buster Sword at all.
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| Who IS your tailor? |
After watching her hometown fall into a blue sun and burn up like it never existed at all, she quickly flew back to Earth to defend New York from TOTALLY BEAT DOWN this Reign chick.
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| Kara’s never been one for witty repartee. |
Reign was merely amused, however, and revealed her Worldkiller Squad. But it appears they’ve been on Earth a little TOO long as their giant Sabretooth Tiger Man Guy looks like he’s been opening up for Skrillex on tour.
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| Frightening. |
In this week’s Thunderbolts, things are getting dire. The team is locked in a dungeon with all kinds of evil, mythical beasts at the time of King Arthur and his Round Table, with their only hope of getting out being their time traveling, untouchable teammate Ghost and Troll’s ability to potentially tame a badass dragon owned by Merlin.
Have I mentioned that this comic is awesome yet? I’m trying to find snark about this book, but it just doesn’t exist! TROLL HAVE DRAGON!
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – Daredevil #9, Batman #6, Uncanny X-Men #7
Matthew – Avengers #22, New Avengers #21, Venom #13.2, Winter Soldier #2
Gilbert – Wonder Woman #6, Supergirl #6
David – Thunderbolts #170
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
