Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
“Ultimate Comics: X-Men” #9 introduced Colonel Lake, the ranking officer at the mutant-containing Camp Angel, the one person who isn’t involved in the cape business that doesn’t seem to hate mutants. His younger competitor, Major Walker, thinks otherwise – and, unsurprisingly, has blond hair and.. well, not blue eyes, but green ones. Lake had been trying to work with the mutants in his camp as best as possible, but a certain Stacy X was making things difficult by raising anti-human sentiments in the mutant population. I’m sure that’s difficult in a species-based containment camp. Those sentiments certainly weren’t lessened when Valerie Cooper went on the air to talk about the recently uncovered truth: that mutants were created by human experimentation. No, not the kind that happens in college. Lake tried to talk down the angered mutant prisoners – let’s not mince words here, that’s what they are – and for a moment it seemed like they were going to listen, until the hitherto cooperative Storm started up a ruckus. Oh, and she gave herself a buzz cut, so you know she means business.
The Shade continued to help out Belgian hero/vampire La Sangre, in issue #6 of his self-titled series, by helping her find her arch-nemesis, the self-righteous Inquisitor, as well as the fashionistas he had captured. While he, La Sangre, and her “sometimes partner in crime-fighting,” snake-powered Montpellier, discussed what to do, the “camera” switched to the Grand Inquisitor’s henchman preparing to kill themselves in various ways – though I’m sure that has nothing to do with the events of the comic, don’t you? Well, the newly formed trio discussed the suicides for a bit before realizing that each suicide happened at the location of one of his previous defeats – except for one. Naturally, that’s where he was located that night. Shade and Montpellier took care of henchmen, while La Sangre went on the prowl for the Inquisitor himself. Of course, it didn’t take long for a man powered by the forces of darkness and one powered by… snakes to finish off a few henchman, and Shade soon found himself by La Sangre’s side in front of some horrific machine powered by the aforementioned fashionistas.
I can’t help but feel the entertainment industry as a whole runs on something similar. Shade and La Sangre prepared to face off against the zealous villain, while narrative captions let us know that “Next issue: All is explained and all is revealed!” Yeah, I believe that.
Bendis and Bagley’s movie-friendly “Avengers Assemble” #1 began with the formation of a new Zodiac – a reference I’m sure regular movie-goers will get – and the opening of a new Stark Tower for the Avengers to call home. While all the celebrations occurred, though – heroic or otherwise – Hulk moped about in the desert as he tends to do. For some reason he has gone back to speaking in five-word-maximum sentences. Having your own movie that isn’t completely terrible can really dazzle you, I guess. As Hulk pondered life, liberty, and the pursuit of smashing, he noticed an army convoy under attack by some kind of aquatic villain. Unsurprisingly, this villain was Aquarius, who – while severely outclassed by the Hulk in strength – managed to get out of there with some unnamed package in hand, but, of course, the military blamed it on Hulk. It really isn’t easy being green. Across the globe, in Latveria, Hawkeye and Black Widow were working to stop some kind of vague black market exchange – glad to know our heroes are getting involved in matters where they don’t have adequate information about! After knocking out some typical goons, the pair made off with a car carrying a similar package to that Hulk failed to defend, until a minotaur-like person began chasing them. Yup, that would be Taurus. Iron Man and Thor showed up to help, but… well…
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Ouch.
Don’t read “The Incredible Hulk?” Well, I’ll be honest, I don’t either. Luckily, Marvel likes putting what happens in an issue on the next issues’s cover.
Yep, Banner is dead. Come on, Marvel, if you keep it up, you’re going to make this column redundant!
In ”Wolverine and the X-Men,” Logan and Quentin attempted to claw and blast their way out of the alien casino in the worst remake of Ocean’s Eleven since, well, Ocean’s Eleven. Oh, you can tell Logan tried his damnedest to be as suave as George Clooney protesting the Sudanese government, but instead he ended up looking like a pretzel. Those aliens have some gnarly machinery, as they bent up Logan like a pretzel and the man’s supposed to have unbreakable legs. I guess Ghost Boxes didn’t have to go to another dimension to see that happen.
Meanwhile, on Earth, a rather nasty scientist has been attacking the school while Kitty has been pregnant with a whole mess of brood. Broo has been really upset this whole time, because well, wouldn’t you be upset if you’re family secretly impregnated your headmistress with themselves as part of a master plot that ends in your own murder? I’d think so too. Well, Broo finally lost control, going apeshit on this “Professor Starblood” until S.W.O.R.D. showed up to handle the situation. Then the Krakoa Island told everybody he can grow trees that produce diamonds the size of grapefruit on command, therefor rendering the trip to space pointless, save for Quentin Quire figuring out how to make his own psychic weapon a la Psylocke, only instead of a psychic knife, it’s a psychic shotgun. Is that covered under the first amendment or the second? Both, kind of?
Finally, Kid Gladiator looks awesome. Just ask him.
Creeps.
It was also exciting because Carol got to be her own version of Beyoncé and put a ring on it (so to speak) in an assumed effort to rescue Hal, who had been kidnapped by the Indigo Tribe as well, Which works as a ~plot device~. He also found Black Hand for the first time since Blackest Night, and was shocked by how kawaii he was.
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Apparently he’s lonely too because Indigo-1 and the rest of her Tribe are planning on making Sinestro their bitch just like they did to Mr. Hand. But if he’s that kawaii, Sinestro’ll be into it.
I just hope after this, Hal gets laid.
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Ultimate Comics: X-Men” #9, “The Shade” #6, “Avengers Assemble” #1, “The Incredible Hulk” #6 (kind of)
Matt – “Fantastic Four” #604, “Journey Into Mystery” #635
Gil – “Wolverine and the X-Men” #7, “Green Lantern” #7
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
