Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
This week in Marvel saw 11 Fear Itself tie-ins, of which I read 10 because I’m not going to give you it all for free (just most of it). So here’s what you missed:
To kick us off we have Invincible Iron Man, the only title immediately connected to Fear Itself. Picking up where Fear Itself #4 left off, Tony Stark is drunk in front of Odin’s door tree before being invited in to make weapons with surly dwarves. What Invincible Iron Man proves is that as long as you print swears in another language, you can put them in your comic books uncensored. It’s only a matter of time until someone who can actual read nordic runes complains to Marvel and the book is rereleased with ******’s everywhere.
In the latest issue of Avengers, Spider-Woman decided to prove herself a hero while battling the Hulk and instead nearly got herself killed, but thanks to sassy Ms. Marvel and sexy Hawkeye she saved a bunch of kids and got some smooches. What better way to spend the end of the world? Meanwhile in Avengers Academy, Hank Pym went toe to toe with the Absorbing Man, who is somehow able to not be possessed by his Asgardian host and just use his power. This doesn’t stop Titania and her new passenger from having the hots for him, and – using the power of buildings – Hank Pym shoots them both through a dimensional door. While this is going on, Veil tries to help a young girl save her mother and fails because of Nazis. Dammit, I hate it when that happens! (It was a rather touching moment, though, so we’ll keep the jokes to a minimum.
This week’s bevy of Fear Itself: ____ minis and one-shots saw Deadpool getting beaten up by a hammer that gets powers from the moon (in order to defeat werewolves, obviously) in the hands of the Walrus (who thinks he’s Worthy), because why write a comic starring Deadpool that’s… oh, I dunno… good? FI:FF was not only the best acronym’d title of the week, but it found the Thing being completely unrepentant for his actions because when everyone else got cool names he was called “The Thing.” Think of it as pent-up aggression being let out in the form of a hammer, as we all tend to do in the back of K-Marts when we were 15. Meanwhile, the anthology comic Home Front found Speed Ball going up against super-powered Attuma in Newfoundland, which results in all the Newfies being drowned in an epic tidal wave because the only person to protect them was Speed Ball. Jimmy Woo decides he doesn’t want to learn “the great secrets of the Serpent,” but that’s probably only because Matt Fraction wouldn’t tell Peter Milligan the finale of Fear Itself due to “spoilers.” Adam the Blue Marvel also showed up because apparently someone out there really likes Adam the Blue Marvel (everyone else who read the bit probably just said, “Oh, right, this was a mini a couple years ago or something, right?”). Luckily for that one fan, it had nothing to do with Fear Itself whatsoever, so congrats – you finally got your epilogue!
Continued below
As far as the rest of the Marvel universe goes in regards to Fear Itself, Herc rode on the back of giant bug and told Zeus to go σκατά himself. So, typical Tuesday. He was then brought as a Trojan Horse to Kyknos, which will assumedly lead to some hijinks in the next issue as the two throw down. Hulk spent the entire 22 issues not really focusing on the Rulk because we already saw Rulk and the Thing throw down in the pages of the Avengers. Instead, MODOK had a hell of a lot of exposition, assumedly to bring in readers who are just visiting for Fear Itself. As a regular reader of the book, it was kind of a useless issue – but I still love it anyway. Iron Man 2.0 was clearly just an opportunity for Nick Spencer to make Ariel Olivetti art his ass off, but it was gorgeous and violent. Iron Fist went nuts in it, because what you don’t know is that that fancy new white suit he’s been wearing since the end of that first New Avengers arc is actually him being possessed as a new Immortal Weapon of Agamotto! I guess no one told him not to wear white after labor day. And to wrap it all up, Uncanny X-Men found the X-Men battling the super-powered Juggernaut and using Hope to knock his helmet off for Emma to invade his mind and shut him down, only to have him invade Emma’s mind and destroy her mental scape, screwing up all of Cyclops’ plans. I hope they brought back-up.
Over in DC land, we have 4 Flashpoint tie-ins, all of which continue to establish the universe of Flashpoint for whoever cares.
Deadman and the Flying Graysons killed up Dick’s parents and found Deadman being a dick some more, only to result in Starfire showing up to kill everyone under the control of the Amazons. Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and the Furies found discussions between the Atlanteans and Amazons ending in violence, with Diana killing Mera after the destruction of Themyscira (peace was never an option). The Amazons invade England because of course they do, and Aquaman decides to blow it up with Geo-Force. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Flashpoint-ing heroes, it’s that once you go from hero to villain you spend your time using other heroes as weapons. This is either supposed to be a metaphor, or it’s just boring storytelling – take your pick of which.
Speaking of, Legion of Doom saw Heat Wave leading a violent “great escape” of his mobile prison, only to decide that the only logical thing was to pilot the prison into Detroit in a weird suicide-bombing type thing – and DC wouldn’t publish the Muslim issue of Superman why? The Outside saw James Robinson writing something entertaining again (hooray!) as the brand new character of the Outsider beat the tar of Black Adam and Isis only to end up a pawn in the Flashpoint Martian Manhunter’s revenge game. The moral of the story is: in alternate realities, there are no Oreos. Or, that’s what I took from it anyway.
And that’s all there is for major events this week!
In other news, Ultimate Fallout saw people still crying over Spider-Man’s death – except for Thor, who reveals that Pete is now in Valhalla with Wolverine and Cyclops. All things considered, that’s not so bad. However, as revealed in bits written by Bendis and Spencer respectively, Mary Jane is furious and writing an article called “How the World Killed Spider-Man” and mutants are still a menace. So I guess the future isn’t so bright after all.
Daredevil found Matt Murdock returning to New York and not Hell’s Kitchen with a new happy attitude. This happy attitude includes the eating of fruits and the kissing of mob brides at weddings. As someone who is also named Matt, I can confirm that whenever I am in a good mood all I do is eat fruit and kiss other people’s brides at their wedding, because that makes sense. Apparently when Mark Waid decided he was going to take out all of the things in Daredevil that had been working for the past decade, he didn’t realize that he took out all the things that had been working for the past decade. What’s a ninja anyway?
War of the Green Lanterns found Hal Jordan still in the middle of nowhere and every other Lantern diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Most people hate John Stewart because he killed Mogo (and saved their lives, the jerk!) and everyone is peeved about Sinestro being back in the Corps – including Sinestro. Now it’s up to Soranik Natu to kill her father while he and the Guardians debate the future of the Green Lantern Corps. I imagine that this is similar to how Geoff Johns chooses what happens next between three Lantern-based titles – with a whole lot of people pissed and him locking himself away from anyone else’s opinions.
The best part of all of it though was when a Guardian, with Kyle Bedard’s words, remarks that none of this makes sense:
Because it’s true.
