Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
In the only reboot that matters, Ultimate Comics: Spider-Man #1 gave us part one of Miles Morales’s origin story. Seems like Miles’s uncle likes to dress up like Deadpool and steal things from large corporations. When he made a stop at an OsCorp facility, though, he absconded with a bit more than planned – such as an irradiated spider. When the young Miles visited said uncle, he was bitten, and passed out. When he awoke, we were given a scene establishing that his father doesn’t want Miles to be around his uncle – we think it has something to do with the gin and juice – and Miles ran off while the two were fighting. Hiding in the street, Miles found out that he had the ability to turn invisible. Really, Bendis? A black-ops black Spider-Man? A bit on the nose, don’t you think?
I’m so sorry.
Do you know anything about Grifter? Me neither. Thankfully, the new series by Nathan Edmondson and Cafu is actually 100% new-reader friendly – it’s so hard to tell with some of these “rebooted” titles – and introduces Wildstorm’s former Wolverine-equivalent to us as… well, a grifter. After a con, Cole Cash was kidnapped by aliens. Not the Grant Morrison, conscious-altering kind, but the WE ARE GOING TO WALK THE NIGHT IN YOUR SKIN kind. For whatever reason, though, he woke up mid-operation, and escaped with no drawbacks, unless you count hearing alien voices in your head as a drawback. Personally, I think that would be kind of cool. Anyway, Cole took a flight and tried to reconnect with his lady friend that he planned the earlier con with, but was attacked by two aliens disguised as humans while in flight, whom he killed. Of course, to everyone else it looked like he just killed two people, so Cole is now wanted for murder. So, like any sensible American would, he’s bringing the hurt to them. Cue epic theme music.
Jesus Christ, Fear Itself is still going on? Yeesh. Well, after getting his ass kicked last issue, Thor was carried back to his daddy by Steve Rogers and company, while Luke Cage and his Avengers were left behind to take care of New York. Steve yelled at Odin a bit, causing Odin to teleport them all away so he could have some father/Odinson time with his boy. Clearly, Cap wasn’t drunk enough. While the Avengers readied themselves for the final battle, Tony Stark announced that he had finished the Uru-forged weapons for Earth’s Mightiest Heroesâ„¢, except for his own. Solution? He dove into the liquid Uru. Clearly, Tony wasn’t sober enough. The issue ended with Cap readying for the approach of the Serpent, Sin, and the rest of the worthy as any red-blooded American would: with a whole lot of guns.
The “real” Spider-Man continued dealing with the effects of Spider-Island in Amazing Spider-Man #669, using his newly learned kung-fu tricks to best the goons that the Jackal had left at his former hideout. Meanwhile, Reed Richards explained that the infection could not affect mutants or other genetically-altered superhumans, and so he had the great idea of giving everyone useless superpowers. Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s smartest man. Still, it’s a better idea than letting everyone become spider-men/women, since – as Carlie and the Shocker found out the hard way – the virus turns you into an eight-legged freak. Somewhere, someone is masturbating to this. The big twist was that the true baddie behind all of this was a stupid villain from a bad Paul Jenkins story, The Queen. No, that’s not one of my bad jokes.
If you didn’t know, DC is trying to add more diversity to the DCnU by giving pink people their own hero to root for. That’s right, Sinestro is a Green Lantern again, and his first task is to take back Korugar. While this was going on, Hal was readjusting to Earth life, avoiding his bills, getting kicked out of his place, and busting up assaults that were actually staged for film. After getting bailed out by his kinda-not-quite girlfriend Carol, Hal went out with her for dinner, and asked her to co-sign the lease on his new car in a manner that made it seem like he was going to propose to her. Seriously, the ring doesn’t just let him fly, it’s like he needs it to function as a human being. It’s okay, though, because he can run away from his real-world concerns if he helps Sinestro again. Hooray!
I’m not exactly sure what happened in Batwoman #1, if only because the art was mesmerizingly beautiful. Okay, I kid, it went something like this: a mysterious ghost has been abducting children in Gotham, and Kate Kane hasn’t been able to stop her. While trying to solve this mystery, Kate had to deal with her cousin Bette, who wanted to play sidekick as Flamebird. Instead, Kate stripped her of her colorful costume and gave her a dull, identity-less costume, designating her “Plebe” for now. Seems like Kate is a pretentious hipster of a superhero – colorful tights are too mainstream (and bats aren’t?). There was also a scene where Kate chewed out her pop for not letting her know the truth about her sister. It was basically an info dump page, but goddamn it looked purity.
Daredevil #3 opened with the reveal that the guy controlling the living sound creatures was none other than… Klaw! You know, the guy made of… living sound? Anyone? No? Okay. Well, actually, not the real Klaw, but some kind of… echoes of him. And he and the lesser echoes were trying to use Matt’s body as a host body for when they bring the “real” Klaw’s consciousness back to earth through wires, antennas, and the like. Comics are awesome. Matt broke out of the construct Klaws soundshadow built, at the expense of his hearing, but it gradually returned and he defeated the head minion. There was also some lawyering stuff, but who cares about that?
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
