Finish up your crossword and prime your toilet paper flamethrower- it’s time for some more Preacher y’all! Here we are once again, barreling through season three. Nice to have you with me. In a world where god is a dalmatian man and the messiah is an inbred idiot, it’s good to have a pal to share some laughs with. This season is shaping up to be a hell of a thing and I’m with ya ’til the end of the world dear reader. The end of the world. Let’s see what’s in store for us in season three, episode five, “The Coffin.” Last week was rough, but I’m sure nothing bad will happen this week.
1. Found object bathroom fight
Naturally we start with a needle-drop slo-mo fight. It’s a good one. I kinda wish they’d saved “Werewolves of London” for a situation with you know, werewolves, but it’s still pretty fun. I especially like TC’s hastily cobbled together toilet paper flamethrower.
The brawl goes south though. Tulip ends up chained to a the floor watching Jody do a crossword. “Worrying’s for pussies,” she tells him, and he hardly blinks an eye. The tables get turned a bunch more times before the episode ends right back with the four of them throwing punches.
Also worth noting: this episode is credited to Mary Laws of the excellent and aesthetic fashion/horror film Neon Demon! Big name!
2. All-Father facetime
Meanwhile, on the Grail side of things, Hoover, Featherbottom and Starr are preparing for the end of the world. Unfortunately, their messiah would rather eat fingers than kiss rings, and the mysterious head of the Grail isn’t having it. That’s right, we finally meet the All-Father.
He’s a picture perfect adaptation of the version from the comics, which is to say that his makeup is horrifying but also sort of bad. He’s comically obese and covered with, just, like, ooze. Slime. Grime. Sweat. He’s a very dirty boy. While Humperdoo isn’t ready to lead the world, it turns out he’s got another skill. It looks like the new lamb of god can boogie. Humperdoo’s softshoe is so great that the All-Father decides he’s ready to move forward on unveiling him to the world. Or maybe he’s playing a larger game. We’ll be seeing more of that fat bastard.
3. Marshall Custer and the ghost of John Wayne
One of the most haunting images from the “Preacher” comic series is Jesse in a coffin at the bottom of a river, breathing through a straw. One of the most pervasive images is the ghost of John Wayne, who guides Jesse throughout the series. In this episode we get takes on both of them.
This is Jesse’s first time in the coffin as an adult, but he’s been here before. He reverts to a fantasy that I would assume he’s been having since he was a kid. He’s a good lawman, killing a slew of bad guys (because there are way too many of them) with the help of a square jawed cowboy who looks a lot like The Duke. He mentions passing up on High Noon preferring westerns that aren’t full of pacifists. The whole sequence is done in a silly retro-old-school black and white boxed format. It’s awesome. Much more cinematic than just having Ghost Wayne floating about and I’m thrilled they are introducing him this late in the series.
The Ghost ‘o the Duke inspires Jesse to try out a rather convoluted escape involving a pack of cigarettes, a pressurized tube, and his Fuck Communism lighter. The details aren’t important, but Jesse blows up the coffin both literally and figuratively, thus freeing himself from his past trauma.
4. Gran’ma’s Roleplay Cotillion
On the weird for weirdness sake side of things, Gran’ma is sad that Jesse has been such a naughty boy and let that vampire get away. TC decides to cheer her up with some sexy Civil War roleplay. It’s extremely gross, but the TC of the show is weirdly sweet, especially compared to the hee-haw hooligan of the comics. It’s still gross, and Gran’ma gets upset at TC’s flaccid man-bits. This is after all, a dude who can get it up for a literal dead fish.
That’s when Tulip busts in and… kills Gran’ma! Kills her dead. Alas, but the two of them are magically joined and killing one kills the other. One Pulp Fiction reference later, Gran’ma is alive but in critical condition and Jesse, Tulip, TC, and Jody are figuring out who to punch and who’s soul they need to steal next.
5. Vlad has been impaled
Ah Cassidy, this is the kind of antics I’ve wanted to see you get up to! Our favorite vampire has been on Bite Me, a vampire dating app. Well, an app for weird goth losers who wear plastic fangs. Cass is happy he’s gotten to live to see Quaaludes, the moon landing, and a guy with a beard of bees, but this is too sad even for him. He scares off the fake vamp and knocks himself out with horse tranquilizers and whisky.
That’s when the Grail shows up with a plan to draw Jesse out using Cassidy as bait. And that’s when they are kidnapped by a whole gaggle of the fake vamps, who are up to something even wackier. This whole thing has exploded into a scheme right out of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Ruh-roh Cassidy. What have you gotten yourself into this time?
