Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! Time travel is a hard plot to make work well so of course Riverdale went “shhhhhhh shhshhshhshh. Don’t think about it.” And you know what? This suits me just fine. It certainly cut down on unnecessary exposition about chronokinetics. Oh and confirmed my theories in the most bonkers way possible. Whoops.
And as always, spoilers ahead.
1. Parable of the Diner
I was half expecting, and dreading, Riverdale to do what Supergirl did in “Blind Spots” this week, what with Tabitha time traveling to historically relevant periods within Riverdale as a Black woman. Riverdale track record of handling sensitive and relevant topics has always been…tenuous at best, so you can imagine my pleasant surprise when the show struck a fairly good balance between preaching and portraying.
What lent the episode success was how Tabitha seemed less out of place with each jump. Not only because her demeanor and directness were less out of step the closer to the present she got but also because she became more confident and flexible. It’s an honest to goodness arc! In a Riverdale episode! I can’t believe it either. But it’s here and it provided the right framework for an episode who’s Riverdale-isms are turned up to 11.
2. Patternmister
We’ll get to all the buck wild moments in the episode soon but before we do, I wanted to take a moment to appreciate the show’s commitment to the use of familiar actors to play the roles of ancestors. It’s such a small thing but I love getting to see KJ Apa play such different characters that are supposed to be resonant with Archie. I dunno why it gets me and makes me smile.
Maybe it’s because it also lets Casey Cott (Kevin Keller’s actor) wear increasingly silly looking mustaches and Chris O’Shea talk in an utterly atrocious American accent. If you didn’t find yourself laughing when he first opened his mouth as Sheriff Pickins, or whatever pseudonym they used, then I’m sorry. This isn’t to pick on O’Shea. I am so glad it’s not a good accent. It makes the whole performance even better and exactly what I think of from a trip to Riverdale’s past.
3. Time-Traveler
OK. So what actually happened in this episode? Well, Tabitha is trying to stop Percival from tearing down Pop’s to build a railroad in the name of progress. Ever onward, ever forward. Yes? She tries to enlist the help of her friends but Archie is a cowards, Betty is scared but sensible, Toni is worried after what she endured, Veronica is pragmatically unhelpful, and Cheryl is too hot to help. Literally. So she hatches a plan with Jughead to make Pop’s a historical site, something I cannot believe no one has done yet, and discovers she has time travel powers when she’s shot Black Hood style by one of Percival’s goons.
This is where things get good. Tabitha ends up going back to December 1944 to stop Percival’s “ancestor” from turning Riverdale into a sundown town. She succeeds, thanks to her ingenuity, her great-grandfather’s help & resolve, and her future knowledge. Percival is vanquished, Pop’s and the non-white residents of town are saved, and all is well…till something goes awry and Tabitha is shot and time jumps again. This repeats a couple more times – once in April 1968 and then again in November of 1999, with different details obviously – before we circle back to present day and Tabitha rounds up her forces to fight for the soul of Riverdale.
I’m glad she’s leading the charge like I talked about last time. It’s nice to have a real core to the season to build around. I’m also glad we got to see Percival trying to foment hate and unrest in the town through each era, painting a picture of how hate changes but never goes away. It’s a shallow representation, obviously, and only cursorily gestures at how injustice pervades even when gains are had, but it does the trick. Better than just having Archie box his way to victory, that’s for sure.
4. Crush of My Mind
You may have gotten the impression from the above that this was a fairly tame episode, despite my proclamations at the start. Well, let me assure you, every trip to each era had at least one absurd but played completely earnest moment. I’m going to quickly list my favorites because I can.
Continued belowIn 1968, Tabitha called J. Edgar Hoover’s office to blackmail him into getting Percival off the case, which prompts him to plant the ACME time bomb in Pop’s.
In 1999, Tabitha has a sword fight using a broken spear against a Percival dressed as a Union soldier with a stupid mustache and then drinks a milkshake out of a wooden cup to return to present day without being shot or blown up.
Finally, in 1944, Tabitha mind crushes that era’s Percival & his Kevin Keller associate – poor Kevin, by the way. He gets the worst parts every season – which just goes to show you that mind crushing does solve all your problems.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that the Angel Rafael was the one who mind crushed Sheriff Percy and that the spear was the Spear of Longinus aka the Spear of Destiny aka the Jesus-stabby-stick and that the wooden cup was the literal, actual, Holy Grail? Yeah, that all happened.
5. Tabitha’s Ark
Yeah, turns out my theory about Percival being Mr. Cypher – complete with identical jump-scare, which completely got me again – was bang on, reinforcing my reading that Toni is a Job-like figure for this season. What do I mean by all that? As we found out this week, Tabitha has been tapped by G-d via the Angel Rafael, who appeared not as Hamza Fouad sadly but as Jughead, Toni & Betty, to stop the Apocalypse.
You read that correctly. No, I am not exaggerating or misrepresenting anything. Season 6’s main plot is trying to stop the capital-A Apocalypse.
Ahem.
What the FUCK Riverdale????? Is this some holdover from Chilling Adventures of Sabrina? The APOCRALYPSE? I have no words for this. It’s so out there. I’m utterly baffled by this choice and I have no idea whether it’s the most brilliant swerve they could’ve done or so out of left field it causes the whole season’s worth of ideas to crash and burn. Which, to be fair, is how I feel when I’m enjoying Riverdale the most so I think I’m going to let it slide. It’s apocalypse time!
Also, does this mean that Conservatism is a servant of hell? Asking for a friend.
That about does it for now! What did you all think of Tabitha’s Time Traveling Travails? Were you as caught off guard by the Apocalypse as I was? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you all in a week for another bottle episode! Or bottles episode? Fog episode? Whatever. Until then, keep supporting your local Pop’s Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Tabitha: “Looks like I also have some explaining to do…after we tie him up and throw him in the freezer.”
