What’s up river-bitches?! The repercussions of Betty & Archie’s late night tryst are brought to bear in the most Riverdale of ways: gossip, embarrassment, and the greatest indignity of all: dancing. On live TV. To the squarest, whitest 50s music ever. For 3 hours after school. Every day. In front of your parents.
OK, that does sound like the 5th circle of Hell. As always, spoilers ahead.
1. Frank’s Red Hot Takes
I just needed to get this one out of the way first – Frank’s got maybe the worst track record for advice in this season. There are more dangerous and destructive people – Alice, Dr. Werthers, Julian, Penelope – but somehow Frank manages to make every situation worse through his “pep talks.” Or, maybe not worse, but he certainly isn’t actually helping. If anything, his advice is only useful in that it illuminates via reflection the ways in which he falls short.
Frank’s fast becoming a really interesting figure in Archie’s life because it’s clear that beneath all his bluster there’s a man straining at the box his masculinity forces him into. He seems to want to be more. Express more. It’s just these are the ways he knows how to communicate, to see the world. He’s trying to be kind within it, or trying to be kinder. That it still causes harm, to himself and others, just reveals the limits of this expression of masculinity.
It’s a great contradiction and I hope the show actually explores it going forward; or just let’s him be a bit of a clueless Basketball coach. I got a real kick out of him thinking that the “solution” to Kevin being “confused” was the holy power of Basketball. If you think that mustache is a good idea, I think the only person that’s confused is you, Frank,
2. We Will PAMP. *Grunt* YOU AHP.
Anyone else cackling when Mr. Keller found Kevin’s bodybuilder mag and was like, “what’s this?” and Kevin’s like, Uh, well it’s DEFINITELY not my wank mag if that’s what you’re asking. And then the show doesn’t take the bait and send Kevin on a bodybuilding plot and instead sends him to the ultimate cure for all that ails ya in 50s Riverdale: Basketball. No? Just me?
OK. To be fair, I was very afraid of where this plot would go. Would this take the hard right turn they did for Ethel’s parents’? There was real possibility things would not end well and from some of the framing, the show knows it. Thankfully that’s not where they go, despite putting Kevin through some other trials.
You have no idea how glad I am that Kevin’s actually getting to do more this season than any of the past ones, even if his entire character arc thus far is “The Gay JourneyTM.” He’s getting to grow, to have actual character, and plenty of screen time. That Clay is also being developed as a fuller character is another great miracle. He’s been a wonderful addition to the cast.
I also love how they’re reversing the Gay Best Friend trope by having Archie fill that role. He’s a natural at it! This characterization for Arch continues to be a winning formula. Supportive. Caring. A bit gormless but with a strong sense of righteousness. His biggest flaw is that he lacks confidence in himself and doesn’t really know what he wants to be or do.
It’s a nice parallel to Kevin’s arc in this episode because Kevin’s starting to know who he is and it’s at odds with what everyone else thinks he should be. This tension tears at Kevin. He wants to avoid conflict and live without threat but doesn’t want to deny his happiness and live a lie. Because of this, he struggles to convey to Archie why he’s hurting, why Archie’s unseen privileges make the same interests fine for Arch to have but not for Kev. And thus the reconciliation they have later and the friendship Archie continues to extend to him means all the more.
3. Alice, Gossip Monger. Betty, Panty Flasher.
Get. Dunked. Alice & Hal. You and your Grandstand of twists and twirls for THREE HOURS?? Hold on. I cannot believe they said this show ran for three hours in the afternoon and was one of their most popular shows. Was there nothing else to do in Riverdale? Did people seriously watch and dance along to three hours of random teens on a teeny screen in the 50s?
Continued belowWait. Shit. We still do that, don’t we? Nevermind.
It’s always a joy when Alice gets her comeuppance for being the emotional manipulator who knows no rest. And Betty having a plan that actually works for once? AND the episode weaving in the ways sexism permeates everything and affects the ways men & women are treated and thought of for the same actions, always to the detriment to women? Be still my beating heart. I didn’t think Riverdale had it in them.
4. Stories Feel Perfect and Powerful. Because Here, They Are
Have you been to a movie theater lately? I have. I love going. Because it’s the closest I usually go to an AMC, though their decision to charge extra for the good seats is making me rethink which theaters I visit. I bring this up because before every showing, a very specific Nicole Kidman ad plays. It’s been playing for YEARS now, along with the 2020 anniversary ad which really should be retired. I can recite most of it by memory at this point and I get a kick out of turning to my friends and just whispering “Somehow, heartbreak just feels good in a place like this.”
That’s the energy Veronica’s ad for the Babylonium had. It’s especially funny that this TV show is jobbing hard for the movies and spending most of its time dunking on television as this mindless, vapid, consumerist, soulless medium and drive-ins as somehow destroying the sanctity of The Theatre. Obviously both mediums can be both things. I’m not here to spark any debate, just to make the observation.
And also to observe that Veronica, a 17-year old, just bought a movie theater with a painting after filming a propaganda piece for said theater with Clay. Nicole Kidman would be proud.
5. Blocked! Blocked! None Of You Are Free Of Sin!
I cannot believe Jughead was given an ultimatum of “stop writing comics or be expelled” by a man wearing THAT sweater. I mean, it’s like the grinch donated his winter coat after he put it in the dryer, forgetting it was air dry only. I guess you lose your ability to have a fashion sense when you start yelling PORNOGRAPHY at everything you dislike.
But I don’t want to dwell on Dr. Werthers right now because the real life versions of him make my blood boil. Instead, can I just scream about how I want Bray Radbury to be OK? I was just getting to like him! Jughead needed a good mentor and he seemed like a swell dude who’d fight for him. Instead it looks like he’s going to get Mr. Chippinged by the Milkman who killed Ethel’s parents.
How dare you do this to me Riverdale! I expect recompense next week. Oh? What’s that? Reggie’s back?? I’ll accept it. For now! I’ve got my eye on you Riverdale. Don’t you forget it.
That about does it for now! What’ve you been thinking of the season thus far? Is it living up to your expectations or does it need to go full tilt soon? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you in a week for the return of everyone’s favorite Riverdalian, one Reginald Mantle. Until then, keep on twisting Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Jughead: “Cut the gas! That’s the biggest load of hooey that’s ever been laid on me in my life.”
