So much happens in Riverdale’s “Dog Day Afternoon” and it’s all about as ridiculous as you’d think it is…and somehow it’s even MORE.Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! . . .What the HELL did I just watch? I mean, “Dog Day Afternoon” was no more ridiculous than the usual antics of this wild and weird show but. . .I’m reeling. So much happens. So much batshit insanity happens. So much is wrapped up. I. . .Let’s just get on with it. Quick, roll the intro and as always, spoilers ahead.
1. Marmaduke and Squirrel
Moose is back! I can’t believe it. I thought he was gone for sure what with his father being the fake Gargoyle King and trying to kill him and Kevin. He’s gone through a lot these last couple seasons. First Midge’s death, #justiceformidge, and then struggling with his sexuality under the thumb of daddy dearest and THEN the aforementioned almost being killed, that’s gonna do a number on you and I appreciate Riverdale making the space for that in the show. It’s a small moment but a nice one. It’s also nice to have confirmation of Moose’s bisexuality directly from him.
. . .And then Brett has to go a fuck it all up.
Well, he fucks the mental health and new start part up. This is preppy, prep, prep school and as awful as public high school students can be, private school is often ten times worse as it can breed a fear and distrust of outsiders that is easily exploitable. Brett knows this. He knows the ins and outs of privilege and how to wield it like a cudgel and as a scalpel. I feel for Moose. I hope he remains on the show and that we can watch the repercussions radiate outwards. That doesn’t seem to be the direction we’re heading in though.
By the by, with Brett, a name associated with two undesirable people, I wonder how much he’ll have to do with Jughead going missing later in the season. My money is on pretty good. He scares me and his vindictive streak seems to have no bounds; watching him get put in his place by Jug was fan-fucking-tastic though and having Donna win by a landslide was *chef’s hand kiss motion.* Also, can I have a class where you have to write the ending to an already existing mystery is an assignment? I LOVE this kind of writing challenge.
2. Three Out of Two Ain’t Bad
OK! OK. OKAY! OK. Three things on Cheryl this week. One, holy shit has she gone off the deep end with Jason and I’m very glad this show is returning to its season one horror roots and leaning hard into the Shirley-ian Gothic Horror of Thistlehouse (or, in this case, Thorn Hill?) The unhinged parts of her that were unearthed and unsheathed at The Farm are finally front and center and Toni is starting to notice. . .well, she was and then she found her girlfriend talking to her four year dead brother, who’s looking very nice for being dead nearly four years now. Cheryl has always been a scary character but now there’s an unpredictability and a hint of mania to her. I fear for Toni. . .and for Nana.
Two, who was moving the body? Was it really the rats? Was it Nana? Or was it. . .someone else? It better not be fucking Chic who we, I might add, still have not seen a body for. Which brings me to point three. . .
Are they bringing out the secret triplet from “Blossom 666?” Nana mentions triplets, referring to Penelope, Cheryl’s mom. She’s lost in time and that would mean she’s most likely forgotten about Polly’s kids and is remembering another bit of secret Blossom lore. I’m so pumped if this was really the set up for another plot thread and if this means the halls of the house will become a maze of secret passages and turn Cheryl’s plot into a House on Horror Hill or an Old, Dark House” situation, I will be so happy. I live for spooky houses, though I’d hate to live in one. Y’all, this is gonna be a fun year.
Continued below3. Do You Trust Me? Always.
Show of hands, who trusts Charles? OK, I see a couple in the back. Well, I’m here to say that you’re wrong. We can’t trust him. He just shows up in the season finale, drops some BS about Alice being part of the FBI for an entire year and going underground into the Farm but not saying jack and shit to her daughter, whom she has repeatedly emotionally abused without a single sense of remorse as cover? Nah I don’t buy it.
. . .Fine. I can buy it a little. I’m still royally pissed at Alice for her actions but I place that more on the writers’ shoulders. They did a piss poor job of setting up the FBI twist, making it a retcon instead. You could make the argument that the sudden shift in personality was down to Edgar’s weird hypnotism thing but again, she was really far gone, really quickly and if she was actually free of his control and working for the FBI the whole time, then it’s even more inexcusable. If this is never addressed, or if Betty just kinda forgives her, then they’ll have thrown away a lot of goodwill.
But back to Charles. The fact that they had to voice the question of whether or not we trust him means something has to be up. It’s been months and if the answer was unequivocally yes, the show wouldn’t go out of its way to ask. That and I don’t trust anyone who says they’re a part of the Cooper family. Not after Chic. What he’s going to be, I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s fine. But I’m keeping a wary eye on him.
4. Green Beret/Long Jacket
The Farm storyline seems to come to a conclusion this week, surprising me in every possible way. I expected this to last a lot longer and, while it seems that Evelyn is still out there, unless she was arrested and I missed it, it’s a pretty definitive end. Principal Weatherbee arrives again, Fangs is completely indoctrinated — poor Fangs — and we get Edgar absolutely devouring the scenery. The whole thing is about as over-the-top as it gets but it somehow gets EVEN MORE BONKERS as the episode progresses.
Edgar begins as being his usual brand of creepy sleazeball, chatting with Betty over the phone in an empty pool, demanding your usual cult escape demands. Betty’s conniving to get it all was pretty in line with who she is but, BUT, when she escapes from Evelyn with her mom, that shot. Oh that shot. Beret on head, slo-mo walking with a revolver, complete with chamber spinning effect. Magnifico!
And you’d think that would be the end of it but no, you’d be wrong. Turns out Edgar is going to have Evelyn drive off a cliff with a bus full of farmies as a distraction so he can escape, and I shit you not, via homemade rocket. Yeah. You read that fucking sentence right. A homemade. rocket.
It gets better.
Edgar, fashionista that he is, with his open button-down Hawaiian shirt so everyone can marvel at his pecs (?) and cargo pants, he gets the absolute best shot of the episode. The tonal whiplash of this plotline is massive. We start off with tense exchange after tense exchange, the malicious and sadistic mastermind in the shadows controlling the situation of our heroes, sending Polly in with a fucking bomb vest to take out the FBI. OH, did I forget to mention that Polly is sent in as a human sacrifice with a fucking bomb strapped to her chest? Silly me.
After that’s resolved, the tone shifts to an Ocean’s Eleven montague of Betty gathering the demanded materials before morphing into a spy thriller before, finally, morphing into It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World or a Naked Gun movie.
Let me set the scene. Betty is getting everyone onto the bus to have them escape the compound. She’s just clocked Fangs who pulled an Episode VII and yelled, “Traitor!” She looks up and her eyes widen, the camera looking down on her from a bit of a distance. I think it even zooms in.
Continued belowCut to a distant shot of Edgar walking down the Motel stairs, looking directly at Betty. THEN THE CAMERA FUCKING JERK ZOOMS IN ON HIM WEARING THE GAUDIEST ENSEMBLE EVER. I think he’s wearing an aviator jacket, open, with a low-low cut V-neck that’s stars and stripes patterned and colored. The zoom is what kills me. It’s a comedy zoom. He even turns to the camera and makes an exaggerated expression of surprise. I. . .this one shot made my night. I couldn’t stop cackling.
Oh. And then. AND THEN.
Turns out it was an Evil Kenevil suit that had the red, white and blue, which is what he’s wearing when Alice confronts him and shoots him in, what is supposed to be a tense Dirty Harry exchange but is rendered hilarious by the preceding insanity. Actually, you know what, this whole thread felt like the fifth Dirty Harry film, The Dead Pool or at least a sillier cop film; It was even shot like it! Oh, and to answer your questions: yes, that is the name, Jim Carey’s first acting roll is in it as Johnny Squares, a rock star who sings, and they paid for this license, “Welcome to the Jungle,” and yes, I have seen all five movies.
I can’t believe it ended like this but it’s the only way it could’ve. Not with a bang but with two gunshots and a fucking homemade rocket.
5. Yo Archiekins
Archie and Veronica are both fighting similar battles, against who others want them to be and the tension between that and finding one’s own path. Archie wants to, in light of Fred’s death, set up roots in the town and fill the roll his father left. It’s quite a journey to this point and it shows a lot of growth on Archie’s part.
It’s also an understandable conflict with his mom, who wants him to come with her to Chicago, and the show does a nice job of folding in her own tensions with Fred in the past. She left Fred, and by extension Riverdale, in pursuit of her career. Not the wrong move but a different one and not the one that Archie feels is right for him. He sees that he can do better work in Riverdale with Mad Dog at the gym and that this is his path.
Veronica has a different battle and while it gets less play, and continues to be about Hiram, probably because they’re trying to get as much out of Mark Consuelos as they can, it’s no less powerful. How do you shake off the sins of your parents? How do we move on and make our own way? It’s a difficult question and as a society, we’re pretty bad at judging people by who they are rather than what we think they are. We put them into boxes and, for Veronica, having the Lodge name puts her in a box of criminals and conniving drug-runner and mob bosses.
So she embraces that which her father scorned, the Luna name. Is it untainted? No. The grandfather was clearly not a great man either but to repair and reclaim, one must first let it lie and lie fallow before the ground can be tilled again. I wonder if the show purposely avoided openly discussing the implication that Hiram was bullied and shunned and attacked because he had a non-white, non-”American” name and so, to assimilate, he took on a new one. It wouldn’t surprise me, there are many in my family generations back who did the same.
This is one thing Riverdale continually skirts around. First with Jose and Mayor McCoy and the spectre of Jim Crow and then with the Serpents being originally, and centrally, from the Native Americans of the region that were shunned and pushed out, these thorny issues that are deeply and centrally American are touched on but soon shuffled off to the side. If traditional Archie Comics are perpetually trapped in the 1950s image of a “perfect” small town America, and Riverdale is a rejection and critique of that image, then it should wrestle with those issues.
That said, the track record of the show ain’t so good on these kinds of things so maybe it’s a good thing they haven’t.
Continued below5.5: Working at the Car Wash, Yeah
Quick aside because somehow, SOMEHOW, I forgot about the car wash scene which. . .these are high schoolers. Not the actors but, like, it’s kinda weird? I’m all for beefcake and I appreciate the trope flip but it’s a little squicky when Veronica suggests they go the Full Monte at her club to try and raise funds for the renovation to Archie’s gym. I dunno, maybe I’m being a bit too sensitive because, like, this is how high schoolers would think, especially these high schoolers. It’s still kinda weird. And yes, I’m aware of what the banner is. It was just too funny and they clearly were enjoying the scenes.
That about does it for now! What did you all think? It was a pretty packed episode. What are your thoughts on Archie and Mad Dog’s new community center and probable superhero turn? Are we going to get an Ashita No Joe or Rocky style story from them? Anyone else excited we’re back to the show’s horror roots? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you in a week for return of the granddaddy of slasher tropes and a fucking VHS tape in 2019. Until then, stay ridiculous Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Fangs:
