What’s up river-bitches! After coming off a hot and heavy, tighty-whitey S E X U A L L Y charged episode, we needed something to cleanse the palette and remind us of Riverdale’s other main obsession: gruesome and borderline supernatural crimes. Oh and rich men in suits being the absolute fucking worst when it comes to their daughters.
As always, spoilers ahead.
1. Cheryl & Archie, Sitting In A (Maple) Tree
This was really sweet and really sad! I know a lot of people come to the show for the over-the-top nonsense, and there was plenty of that still, but I have a soft spot for when Riverdale manages to do teen drama effectively. When the show is willing to be quiet and let the emotions carry things, bolstered by the hyper-real scenarios the characters find themselves in. It’s in this intersection that it finds itself doing its best work.
This is actually why I go back and forth on whether the first season’s drama was good. It was played very straight, with a melodramatic flair, but it’s out of place next to the pulpy murder mystery stuff. It was too restrained, too siloed out, missing that spark of unreality to allow the bigness and messiness of the melodrama to shine through. Here though? The tones mesh and it allows the struggle Cheryl & Archie face to hit.
Like the whole scenario is terrifying and also hilarious. They’re being forced into a marriage because Cheryl lied about going all the way with Archie and everyone’s like “Welp. Guess that means you’re married now. Fucking deal with it.” There’s threatening dinners, a ridiculous “compatibility test” from Dr. Werthers and the entire time Archie’s looking out for Cheryl and Cheryl’s killing that part of herself she doesn’t want to admit is there because her family’s fucked her up so bad.
And god those lingering shots on Cheryl when she’s talking with Toni or when Archie’s talking with his mom? And her rolling up in the red convertible in all red, like a cupid and a love assassin? So good. It’s clear they both care about the other but not in a romantic way and are just trying to make it work but deep down they know it won’t and it’s so real and yet so unreal at the same time. None of it is believable and yet it’s rooted in the very real sentiments of the time and of being a teen and in love and that’s what makes it all the sadder.
I’m glad the two broke up, don’t get me wrong, but I’m also glad we got this small arc for the two of them. Cheryl’s a bit stronger and Archie’s a bit more open even though both are now more aimless than before, though pointed in the right direction romance wise.
2. F.U.C.K.I.N.G.
Ughhhhhhhh. I told you I didn’t want Veronica & Jughead to get together and then you went and did it. Come ON Riverdale. You could’ve let them be this fun duo with banter and a prince & the pauper, city & country mouse dynamic but instead they’re gonna be an item for a bit and ew. No thank you.
I’m hopeful it’ll have the same kind of arc as Cheryl & Archie with a breakup that leaves them friends, eventually, and more whole as people afterwards. I have my doubts.
3. First Comes Frogs
I couldn’t not talk about Toni being the pregnancy wizard and helping MIdge & Fangs confirm that Midge was, in fact, preganernant with PEE??? INJECTED INTO A FROG?????? Apparently this was a real thing! Does it work the way it says it does? I’m not doing that research for you all. Sorry not sorry.
What I will do instead is complain that we were teased with the possibility of a 50s version of Dr. Curdle Jr. and we have yet to see his Marty Feldman-esque ass. How dare you tease me like this Riverdale. If you’re going to bring back Fred as the epitome of assshole masculinity, you can bring back creepy coroner.
4. Then Comes Marriage
One of the running themes in this episode is the power of marriage and, specifically, the coercive and controlling power of the institution. All roads lead to marriage and the forceful imposition of it, or denial of it, shapes lives. It is omnipresent and one is defined in relation to its presence in one’s life.
Continued belowMidge and Fangs love each other and want to be married, perhaps not now but the baby is forcing their hands. However, Fangs isn’t allowed to marry her because Midge’s parents are classist and racist. The Coopers and Blossoms treat marriage as this panacea for “wayward daughters,” paying lip service to it being a sacred institution and built on love while acting like it’s entirely a transaction and a tool. Which, to be fair, it is here and has been for centuries.
Marriage can be many things and takes on many shapes, as we see in this episode, but as the episode makes clear too, it was (and perhaps, still is) a cudgel to be used and abused by a patriarchal society. Is there any wonder that so many radicals, especially feminist & queer radicals, of the era and beyond saw/see marriage as an institution as a trap and should be actively resisted/abolished?
5. Then Comes Ethel in a Nun’s Habit
Ethel cannot catch a fucking break, can she? After being railroaded and thrown into jail, it turns out her alibi is being with Julian as he tried to be the creep he is. THEN she’s thrown to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy AGAIN by Alice Cooper after Alice discovers Kinsley’s book in Betty’s room while “cleaning.” Breaks me heart to see and we better not have a repeat of the Griffins and Gargoyles/The Farm shit with her.
I will riot, Riverdale. Don’t test me.
Alice Cooper continues to be the dark horse villain of the series and I refuse to hear otherwise. Penelope Blossom devours every scene she’s in and Dr. Werthers/Principal Featherbee are thoroughly menacing but Alice Cooper is by far the most destructive of them all. Her emotional manipulation of Betty is heinous and unchecked narcissism & unresolved repression actively harms everyone she comes in contact with. Like, she makes EVERYONE’s life worse by being there.
She burnt a book! She actually burns books she thinks are “obscene” and militantly upholds an order and a system that actively harms her as well. It’s making me think we’re going to see a full-on descent for her and leaving her unredeemed by season’s end but we’ll just have to wait and see what Betty does.
I wouldn’t be shocked if Betty punches her at one point.
That about does it for now! What did you all think of the episode? Did I miss anything? I know I skipped a BUNCH, like Jug’s new train car and Kevin & Clay’s slow dance. Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you in a week for a return to Riverdale’s horror anthology roots. I’ve got high hopes for that one. Until then, stay ready to elope at a moment’s notice Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Archie: “I’ll grow to love her. Dr. Werthers showed me a graph. It starts at 17 and peaks at 21.”
