Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! Whew, a lot happened in tonight’s episode and while I’m digging most of it, the complete lack of subtlety is starting to wear me down. Riverdale was never the most subtle of shows but it at least knew when to tone things down and let the pacing slow. Not so with this season as we barrel full speed ahead into the lair of the Gargoyle King. As always, spoilers ahead.
1. And Here’s to You, Mrs. Cooper
What the fuck happened to this character? Seriously. It’s like they’ve replaced her with a funhouse mirror version of herself. There’s no effort to try to justify her newfound changes beyond, oh, the farm and also Hal was the Black Hood. None of it is handled in a way that makes me believe she’s changed this much nor that anyone around her hasn’t picked up on how weird she is being.
Betty confronts her constantly but in a way that assumes this is normal behavior for her overly controlling mom. Fair enough but why is her solution to this problem always “yell at mom until she denies everything, rolls her eyes and tries to convince me I’m the cause of all the problems.” She’s hiding something. We know. Of course she is. She’s been hiding things since season one and has never been a caring mom to Betty. Yet by this point, Betty should realize that confronting her mom isn’t gonna do squat and that she should instead be doing some, you know, investigative journalism, which she does for most of the episode.
It’s just another situation of the writers obviously not knowing what to do with a character now that the scope of the show has expanded so much. It’s a shame but at least we know that anything coming out of Mrs. Cooper’s mouth is BS or influenced by the brainwashing farmers.
Also, fuck season three Mrs. Cooper, she’s the worst.
2. So Long Frank Lloyd Joaquin
I was right to be afraid for Joaquin’s wellbeing. Despite the strange turn his narrative took this and last week, he will be missed. His was a story that was cut short too soon, much like Dilton, Ethel (who’s alive but missing,) and Midge’s. With his death, I think we’ve officially surpassed the body count plus the number of fake-outs for season two. Y’all don’t think the writers are making up for lost time, do ya?
3. The Big Dark Red Gargoyle Machine
Can we talk about that second to last scene with the break in? The sheer insanity of that whole thing, the presumably exhumed body and headstone of Daryl Doiley, the fact that FP doesn’t even blink an EYE when he sees everything and also suspiciously didn’t notice any of the lights. While it reminded me more of Evil Dead than anything else, the questions it raises are perhaps the most important ones of the season.
How’d the Gargoyle King get in? How much of that was pretense so that Mrs. Cooper could send Betty off to the Sister of Quiet Torture? What was FP doing there? Does he have connections? Is he trying to keep Jughead away so he won’t have to sacrifice him? Why was Mrs. Cooper stupid enough to open the door after ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT? Did you have shit like this when Hal was being creepy? It’s gonna be a hell of a time when we find out but for now, let’s just revel in the insanity that was that whole thing.
4. Cyanide, Oleander, Freshaide, and Blossoms
Cheryl is the biggest hole in the season. While much of last seasons did focus on her, she and Toni have been shunted to the sidelines while we watch Betty & Jug flounder about G&G and Arch & Veronica deal with Hiram and his lackeys. I miss her antics but we got a close second with her mom this week. It’s been a while since Riverdale busted out a genuine performance & a genuinely creepy one and I’m very grateful it came from Nathalie Boltt.
It wasn’t particularly moving, as we know the character was obviously lying about something, but during those two scenes, I was completely engrossed by her presence on-screen. So too were the other characters. I hope we get to see more of her this season as the secrets and hidden agendas get brought to light. Side note: why are there so many funny/creepy coroners? From “Rachel Rising” to Psych, it’s like they’re all part of some mortician comedy club.
Continued below5. Farmward Bound
Archie. Archie buddy. What’re you doing? Veronica literally spent months trying to free you and you pay her back by running away? Buddy. This was your redemption season from the last one’s stupid decisions. And you’re bringing Jug into this? I can’t even.
Archie, and by extension, Veronica’s plotline has dragged on in way I didn’t think it would. Veronica’s motivations have been boiled down too far and she’s become a one-note character. Literally, every episode saw her smugly try to show up Hiram before he either turned the tables or was slightly defeated. It’s really starting to get grating because it feels like an exaggerated version of the character and also, ARCHIE JUST ABANDONED HER WITH JUGHEAD.
Talk about a shitty reward for all your hard work. Archie may be our focal character, and he may be on the path to redemption, but this was a huge misstep and the writers & the show treat it like the right, noble thing to do. Bullshit. It’s the dramatic & convenient thing to do because apparently stable romances aren’t interesting and have to be undone by a deal with the devil. Regardless, now that the Archie: Fugitive storyline has wrapped rather quickly, it’s time to get on with Archie vs The Farm and, hopefully, a better plot for Veronica that’s all her own.
Also, good on you Kevin. You’re the MVP this week.
That about does it for now! What’d you all think of the episode? Was it enjoyably over-the-top or just plain irritating? Are you having as much fun with the Gargoyle King & his special brand of bullshit as I am? Let me know in the comments and join me in a week for Good Betty’s Gone Merciful and Archie of the Corn. Until then, don’t shank your friends and be wary of Evernever’s seizure- inducing stare.
Best Line(s) of the Night:
Mrs. Blossom: “If I really wanted to kill Daryl Doiley, I wouldn’t use Oleander. It leaves too much of a trace.”
Betty: “Dilton Doiley’s dead dad did it?
