Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! Let’s hope that was that last break because I would really like to be done with this season of Riverdale. Don’t get me wrong. I’m loving the utter nonsense we’ve been getting. But this season started in November 2021. I just want to be free.
As always, spoilers ahead.
1. Then Shalt Thou Count To Three, No More, No Less
The name of the game this week is resurrection. In keeping with the biblical theming, they have three days to bring their friend’s souls back from the sweet hereafter. It’s already been two and a half days so they’re under a bit of a time crunch. All this is fine but what gets me hopping mad is how Riverdale tricked me. Me! Mr. “I won’t be tricked by these cliffhangers.” ARGH.
I’m so mad. I genuinely thought the whole town was struck by the plague. I should’ve known that it wouldn’t be since some of the other plagues were also selective. I just thought that Riverdale had taken a huge swing and was going to reckon with it. I should have guessed. I should have known!
Grrrrrrrr.
2. Three Shall Be The Number Thou Shalt Count, And The Number Of The Counting Shall Be Three
You know what didn’t disappoint, or at the very least lived up to what I was expecting? Sabrina’s return! I’m so happy Kiernan Shipka got a chance to reprise the role in an actual meaty episode. I don’t know if this was a satisfying coda for Chilling Adventures of Sabrina fans – I still have yet to see the show beyond the first two episodes. It was effective for me though.
Was anyone else worried Sabrina was going to fuck Jughead when Ned was in his body? Because the camera work and musical cues caused me to write in my notes at least three times that I did not want that. I knew it wasn’t going to happen in the morgue but this is Riverdale. You can’t rule anything out.
3. Four Shalt Thou Not Count, Neither Count Thou Two, Excepting That Thou Then Proceed To Three
The actual meat of the episode is divided into three parts: Kevin & Reggie’s shit, the sweet hereafters, and Betty, Tabitha, Cheryl, Sabrina, Veronica, and Heather forming a new coven. Let’s start with the sweet hereafter. We’ve seen variations on them all and they’re essentially a “What Do You Get the Man Who Has Everything?” story. No one wants to leave willingly and it gives the characters the chance to figure out some hard truths about themselves and the ones they love.
Jughead’s is the hardest because he’s really the only one not tempted to come back. He’s happy where he is, superseding his love of Tabitha. That’s rough. There’s also a funny bit about the “idealized” Archie Comics world being perfect because nothing bad ever happens there. Which isn’t strictly true but I get the sentiment.
Archie’s is hard for Veronica because he sees himself with Betty and is happy where he is while Cheryl is a milder version of her usual meddling self in Toni & Fangs life, breaking the illusion instead of trying to use a different method. Then she sees all her dead family and oof, I felt bad for Cheryl. The only thing that would’ve made Archie’s hereafter sweeter would be seeing Fred. It was the right choice not to have any vestige of him appear; it simply would have made it more complete.
I also was really happy to see Rafael again! It was brief but Tabitha getting an off-screen info dump that positions her as the leader with extra knowledge going into the final four is exactly what she needed.
4. Five Is Right Out
Now, all that would have been great but then the show decided “Eh. Fuck it. We want more complications” and tells us that Cheryl is the Phoenix and has her burn everyone’s bodies (plus a few more) so that their souls are forcibly dragged back. I hate this whole thing, top to bottom. There was a way to do it well and they decided to go for convoluted and narratively unsatisfying and not in a fun way.
Continued belowIt doesn’t help that it came out of the coven stuff which was, sadly, dull. The writers try to make it interesting. I can tell they tried, like with the initiation rituals. That was fun! Or, funny, with the dancing. However, most of it was exposition before getting a 15-30 second transition scene that was creative and only a little threadbare budget-wise – looking at your Charon.
There was just too much of it spread across the episode. This is a Riverdale problem and a CW problem. Constant motion, tiny scenes, and unnecessarily split narratives. Why did we have to have two rounds of going into the hereafter and then a Plan C that happened so fast I barely had time to process it? Oh, and you wanna know the kicker? The bit that made me stop suspending my disbelief?
Cheryl doesn’t know what a fucking phoenix is.
Seriously? Seriously?! Not the comic book character. Not the significance of it. No. The simple existence of the creature. I cannot believe that Cheryl fucking Blossom doesn’t know what a phoenix is.
OK. Last thing. I noticed there were way more bodies in the cave than expected and turns out, Cheryl can’t seem to get fucking over Jason AGAIN and decided to ressurect him, Polly, Nana, and Dagwood(?). My question, however, is weren’t they dead for WAY longer than 3 days??? Is the phoenix power just that intense? I guess so.
I would say there will be no repercussions for this but Sabrina teased something and they likely did all this nonsense so that they could do something with the four being back. I hope it’s big and flashy and weird. Otherwise I will be deeply disappointed.
5. Once The Number Three, Being The Third Number, Be Reached, Then Lobbest Thou Thy Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch Towards Thy Foe, Who, Being Naughty In My Sight, Shall Snuff It
I’ve been pulling for Kevin & Reggie to free themselves or be freed from Percival’s grasp for some time now. Kevin had his moment last week and it looks like Reggie has his here in the form of his Pop coming to terms with death and a FUCKING PUPPET REGGIE. I am not making this up. Reggie’s consciousness manifests inside the puppet he used to distract Jughead in “Blue Collar” and he convinces him to get the fuck out of dodge.
I love it.
I actually appreciate Reggie’s arc now. It was frustrating at first but seeing where it’s ended up, with him reaching an ethical wall and realizing that he can’t climb over it, is good! It doesn’t come easily to him either. It takes his formerly shitty dad AND a pep talk from some carved wood to get him to move. Sure he fails to get away, just like Kevin at the start of the episode, but he tried.
I also was afraid Kevin was being written out but nope! He’s still around. Or at least until they’re maybe executed next week. My money’s on them surviving. If they don’t, Phoenix Cheryl can always bring them back.
That about does it for now! What did you all think of the episode? Did you enjoy it more than I did? Were you happy to see the Big Pop’s in the Sky again? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you in a week for Betty’s coronation as the Harlot of Babylon, the Rivervalians’ return and GIANT GUILLOTINES! I’m hyped for madness. Until then, if you do die, make sure they have plenty of burgers and shakes Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Veronica: “How many can say they died and came back?”
Cheryl: “In Riverdale? A lot.”
