Look, I’m not going to tell you X-Men Origins: Wolverine isn’t a flawed movie. We could spend all day discussing every issue we have, starting at the beginning, with the opening credits where the screen is paused on an actor with a credit that isn’t for them, and how that might be confusing for people. We could make the same sweeping complaints we always do about superhero movies, and how much they deviated from the original source material.
We could rail and cry about what a waste it is to have a movie with Wolverine, Sabretooth, and other violent killers be rated PG-13, forcing Victor Creed to look like he has a weird fetish for breaking necks and a fear of using his claws. And sure, maybe the ridiculous, “extra,” over-the-top action was more humorous than it was intended to be, falling into an “Uncanny” Valley between a serious action film and something closer to Deadpool, with scenes of characters putting their hand in a tank to stop it from firing, or shooting a cigar out of someone’s mouth out of spite, or claws sparking on the rocks and leading to a helicopter explosion, or Logan’s inability to open a door like a normal person, or how he runs to cut all the locks open with his claws while shouting, or Deadpool’s severed head optic-blasting through an entire nuclear smokestack that Gambit super-jumps through and cuts through with his cane, or…well, you get the idea.
But we shouldn’t spend time being so negative, discussing how weird and bad the special effects were for Wolverine’s claws, even though the film was made in the year of our Lord, 2009. We won’t speak on the fact that they cast a white woman (who claims to have Cherokee ancestry but is mostly Irish) in a role that should have gone to someone of less questionable First People descent, or how no one in Canada has a Canadian accent and very few of them are polite. But, I suppose, if you’re going to talk about accents, we could talk about how Taylor Kitsch just uses his “Tim Riggins” accent from Friday Night Lights as opposed to Gambit’s Cajun accent. I’m just saying! You’re the one who brought it up, not me.
Granted, characters made some questionable choices. First of all, if you have bone claws in your hands and you regularly nearly kill your significant other when you have vivid PTSD dreams, but they aren’t freaked out by it at all, they might be a double agent. And if you ever go in for a surgery and there are more generals in the room than doctors, it may be time to question your life choices. If a feral naked knife-hand man shows up in your barn, consider not giving him all your son’s clothes, especially if one of those articles of clothing is a leather jacket that can withstand crashing and/or exploding helicopters. Also, be careful how fast you spin things. While you may be able to deflect bullets, if you spin things too fast, you might find yourself flying, as we saw in the film. Unsolicited advice, I know. Take it or leave it as you will.
Let’s just put all that aside! We’ll put a pin in it. Instead, let’s willingly suspend our disbelief and talk about the good parts of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, like…like…ah! It’s an hour and 47 minutes long. Finally, a reasonable duration for a superhero film! Or how, at almost the exact midpoint of the film, the filmmakers were thoughtful enough to put a slow scene in that has little to no bearing on the plot, in case anyone needed a bathroom break! Or how they sum up the end of the movie in a single conversation with Blob that, if you miss, you’ll be super-confused, which is why you should’ve gone to the bathroom during the farm scene, ya knucklehead. Plus, it’s super cool seeing unexpected mutants on-screen from when they were younger, like Cyclops, Gambit, Blob, and kind-of-Emma-Frost-but-not or Chamber-there-in-the-background-of-that-one-scene.
We should also talk about how talented and dedicated Danny Huston and Hugh Jackman are to their respective roles. This is a serious action movie, and they are committed to acting like it! On top of that, the filmmakers nailed Logan’s character. We see him smoking cigars, cutting things in the shape of an “X,” walking away in the middle of Africa and other places and suddenly appearing in Canada, and he even says “bub” once! If that’s not the core of the character, then I challenge you, dear reader, to comment below and tell us what is. They might not have known enough about other mutants to not give Cyclops optic blasts that burn things, but they know their Wolverine!Continued below
X-Men Origins: Wolverine is a well-written movie, and you can’t tell me otherwise. There’s foreshadowing of future events! At one point, Stryker says “If you didn’t have that mouth on you, Wade, you’d be the perfect soldier.” And this gets paid-off later, completely out of left field. No one expected them to take the mouth away from the “Merc With A Mouth” or give him arm blades like Baraka from Mortal Kombat. Plus, there are so many comedic moments, like when someone American tells Wolverine “Your country needs you,” and Logan says, “I’m Canadian.” Or when they try to make the movie seem like it’s not actually a comedy. That’s probably their best joke.
Don’t take my word for it. You need to watch i>X-Men Origins: Wolverine for yourself. Definitely watch it a few times, consecutively, just to make sure you catch everything, though. This is one deep, thoughtful film you need to be completely sober for in order to glean every last detail.
Final Verdict: 11.0 – Like an amp in This Is Spinal Tap, this movie is so “extra,” it goes to 11.