Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! While things weren’t quite the level of unhinged I was hoping for considering we were promised a funeral, Riverdale did deliver on one front: more Britta, more often. Now if only it wouldn’t come with Cheryl-lite.
And as always, spoilers ahead.
1. Jersey Gore
I found it hilarious that of all the places they could’ve had Hiram’s body, they chose to have it be in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. Of course this is where he’d end up. Gangsters like Hiram only have their bodies show up in four places: a Chicago alley, the East River, a Miami beach and the Pine Barrens. Of those four, the Pine Barrens is the funniest and I hope this means we’re gonna get the Jersey Devil to fight Abigail Blossom with another, more substantial cameo from Sabrina.
That said, I’m still skeptical that Hiram is going to stay dead. My dearest hope is that what this episode presents is the truth but this is Riverdale where characters are shot on screen and miraculously survive. Considering every resource I can find shows Mark Consuelos has left the show, this is likely just my cynicism talking. Good riddance Hiram, even if I will miss seeing Consuelos hamming it up every week.
2. Survivor: Thornhill
I opened by talking about how we’re getting more Britta and I meant it when I said this is an excellent development. She’s not getting a lot to do just yet but she is building plenty of momentum as the only reasonable person at Thornhill. Because she’s not actually a Blossom, she hasn’t had to deal with generations of their bullshit and can be our POV character within the baffling developments within Thornhill’s gothic walls.
This week alone we had Nana Rose basically declare Riverdale should be their fiefdom as it “once was,” then she insulted Abigail’s great grandchild and Cheryl’s former girlfriend which got her locked in a stable that may have been Jason’s old corpse room, and then Abigail!Cheryl declared she would make Toni hers again and smashing a mirror to keep Cheryl at bay. Oh and did I forget to mention Abigail!Cheryl has a personality that is nearly identical to Cheryl Cheryl other than a more consistent and less put upon old-timey speak? No? My mistake.
It’s sad that I’m not enjoying it more but I think that’s mostly due to Riverdale’s continually inability to focus on one scene or plot thread at a time. It’s too much and it makes writing these thoughts hard cause I’m always leaving something major out. I mean, I COULD skip talking about the Pine Barrens but how else would I get any Jersey rep into these thoughts?
3. The Real Hermione of Riverdale
Sigh. Every time I think Riverdale can somehow manage to do all the right things, it STILL falls flat on its face. Case and point: Hermione Lodge’s heart to heart with Veronica. That scene was excellent! All the things I have been saying about the show’s treatment of her character and of Veronica are brought up and addressed. It was deeply cathartic to hear Hermione basically canonize the meta changes that happened when they decided to bring Hiram Lodge into the show. How she was sidelined and how subsequent writing decisions only forced her more and more out of the show and thus out of Veronica’s life.
Then they had to squander it by having Hermione continue to be concerned with the reality show she’s on without having had the episode behind us to see this as a complicated choice. It feels shallow, even if the moment itself isn’t particularly callous. Plus, it’s the only real scene we get with her. I hope she becomes a bigger character again but I’m not holding my breath.
Why do I say that? Well, we get a new character who’s an assassin there to protect the family and who saves Veronica from Sergei who was hired by, presumably, Hermosa. There’s also the matter of this whole plot revolving around Hiram again, since it’s, well, his funeral. That’s not bad on its own but it feels squandered. Half the drama is good, the rest is kinda blah.
Continued belowAll that said, I do call it a win because of the utterly ludicrous photo of Hiram with huge pecs and an 80s Olympic tracksuit/wrestling garb that’s framed in nearly every shot of Veronica when she gives her speech about the complexity of her relationship with her father, which I actually appreciated. Despite all the real world reasons her relationship was complex in stupid ways, the in-show effect is that, in spite of all of his everything, they still loved each other. Why else would Veronica have had feuds with him that felt more like competitions than real fights?
I understand that difficulty, even if it doesn’t quite rise to Riverdale’s level of hyper-reality.
4. The Real Killer
I feel cheated Riverdale. Not only was TBK’s identity revealed to be some schmo named Dennis but his fun Michael Meyers moment doesn’t even do the full homage! Come on Riverdale writers. If you’re gonna throw him out a boarded up window, then show him on the law sit up like the Undertaker! Bah. Maybe that’ll be another bait and switch and Dennis was a patsy. Whatever the case, it looks like he’s gonna be more like the video tapes. Kinda ineffective but menacing on and off for a while.
Then again, he does know Betty and Archie’s weaknesses, though Betty’s is nice and handwavy in a way Archie’s isn’t. If Archie is near palladium, he’s no longer invulnerable. If Betty is near someone that’s clearly a threat but is a threat out of love or something they don’t glow? I dunno. I honestly thought Archie falling meant he was getting denser and denser and THAT was the curse taking hold more but nope. He’s just got a kryptonite.
Oh and Jughead can read minds and draw comics now. Yay?
5. Keeping Up with the Krunch
With Hiram gone, someone had to become the new CHEESY CRONCH TRIANGLESTM ambassador and that task has fallen to Riverdale golden boy Archie Andrews. That’s right! We got another camera staring, full-framed shot of a Riverdale character biting down on those salty, artificially flavored powder delivery vehicles of deliciousness. But now, to show the change from traditional to hip, rad, groovy, bodacious, lit, and cool, he’s downing chip after chip of the Blue flavor. None of that nebulously red/orange cheese. Bah! It’s Cool Ranch time.
That’s how you know he’s the protagonist and not the antagonist. Only protags get to munch on this superior flavor. You might even say this shows, subconsciously of course, he’s all that and a bag of chips.
…I’ll see myself out now.
That about does it for now! Did you enjoy this week’s fractured but still pretty cohesive episode? Did you want more of any plot and less of others? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you all in a week when Percival – who I forgot to talk about – acts like a posh conservative and everyone hates on him. Until then, be careful around wooden slats Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Reggie: “Should I say sorry for your loss or congratulations?”
