What’s up river-bitches?! Milk is America. We must never forget this crucial, life-altering fact. Tell all your friends. Tell your enemies. Milk is America. And we must beware of it.
As always, spoilers ahead.
1. C12H22O11: 20 Hours Later
I have to say I’m quite disappointed that Riverdale is up to its old tricks with the Milkman. Two weeks in a row now have we been teased with revelations and horror and two weeks was the promise not delivered on, at least not in full. Despite being titled “Halloween II,” there is a distinct lack of slasher action and tension in the episode. Jughead is going full-on paranoia was a nice start, and the continued reappearance of the Milkman at previous sites of death was a good touch, but I needed this to be the one that laid it on thick. Things were just too scattershot.
Regardless of my disappointment with the lack of lurid scares, I enjoyed much of the episode and this plot. It is’t as goofy as “American Graffiti” but it is definitely within the ouvre of the show. That section where Jughead goes full paranoid about milk? Gold. And the party at Pep comics? Double gold. AND the discovery that the writer of the Milkman comic had died mysteriously, that his name was Ted, and that the tale was an allegory??? Priceless.
2. Season of the Burlesque
It was only a matter of time until the Babylonium lived up to its name and re-created the wondrous, incongruous nonsense that was La Bonne Nuit. After discovering that Riverdale has its version of a holiday specific tragic-backstory when she’s the only one in costume at school, she decides, you know what these people need? A debauched rager and then a burlesque show – all PG-13 of course.
Veronica’s plan to bring Halloween to the teens of Riverdale is sound. It’s built for them, by them, and lets them have fun during a night they were previously expressly forbidden from having fun on. It’s just kinda weird that her first idea is: you know what Halloween needs? Stripping versions of these teens that died 4-years ago. That seems like it’s still WAY too soon to turn into shirtless dancers in slightly white makeup. Or maybe I’m in the minority on that. Whatever.
What is strange is the inclusion of a somber, sad subplot involving Día de Los Muertos. It ties more into Veronica’s current subplot with her parents kicking her out of the Pembrook out of petty revenge. It’s incongruous, though also effective. There’s a loneliness to Veronica in her private moments that she’s making up for by being extra outgoing in public. Clay & Kevin have noticed something is up but are too polite to push more.
The brighter the mask, the more distracting it is after all.
3. Horny: Resurrection
Betty may not have attended the party at the Babylonium but that’s only because she had her own party planned. See, now that she’s accepting her desires as normal and natural, she’s trying to follow them. Specifically she’s trying to follow them into the pants of the two hunky boys she fixes cars with. Sweaty, sweaty, bicep boys. Side note: why do they always make KJ Apa look so shiny? Like…is Archie supposed to be sweating oil or something?
Anyway, instead of Betty deciding that a threesome is what she actually wants, compulsory monogamy dictates she decides who she actually wants so she comes up with this whole meshuggeneh plan that involves dressing Dilton Doiley up as a pumpkin to pretend to be a kid. Well, before he bails right after the commercial break (aka 10 seconds after Betty implies she wants to fuck all three of ‘em that night) because of resident jackass Julian Blossom and his federal felony bat. Poor Dilton never stood a chance.
This was kind of annoying because Betty clearly likes Archie more and just thinks Reggie is sexy. All that’s gonna lead to is a hurt Reggie and, wouldn’t you know it? That’s exactly what happens! Reggie deserves better, though he was a good bro and left Archie and Betty to fuck in the ghost, murder house.
Hold up. No. People! Come on! You don’t fuck. In the Ghost House. You NEVER fuck in the ghost house. Not only is it grody, like those 4-year old orange sodas, but you are definitely tempting fate and the serial killer on the loose.
Continued belowOne last aside: an observation I had watching “Halloween II” was that they’ve inverted the usual Archie, Betty, and Veronica dynamic this season. By making Reggie an out-of-towner and an awkward boy, Betty becomes the nexus of the “love triangle that’s just kinda a love angle” instead of Archie, who takes the place of girl-next-door Betty. It’s a fun dynamic shift and while I’d much rather they just commit to Betty & Archie already – please, for the love of Riverdale, give SOMEONE a little stability and actually explore it – I’m fine with another couple episodes of Betty flailing around.
If it’ll spite her mother, even better.
4. The Curse of Alice Cooper
My blood boils every time she appears on screen. I don’t know what it is about Alice that sets me off. I’m really questioning whether this is all me projecting on the character or not. Like, is she really all that much worse than the rest of the over-the-top caricatures? Is it some latent sexism for the archetype? There’s just something uniquely familiar in her brand of judgy. The way she bullies her way into places, brandishing her privilege and power to threaten anyone that doesn’t conform to her idea of fun or decorum or
I know people like Alice Cooper. So do you. They are toxic people. I fear for what terror she will bring about in the coming episodes, though I dread more having to watch it. I got no joy out of her scandalous looks in this episode. I was not enthused to see her chew up a scene or ham it up on TV. I wish I could. Mädchen Amick is doing her damndest to be this awful lady and doing it phenomenally. We’re just in a holding pattern of Alice’s awfulness and it’s slowly draining me.
5. The Milkman Cometh–
–and the Milkman goeth. I know this breaks the pattern of the titles but come on. I HAD to.
Anyway, yes! The Milkman has been killed. Or at least it seems that way. Ethel, who recently broke out of the hell hole that is the Sister of Quiet Mercy, stabbed him in Radberry’s apartment. Oh and did I mention Ethel is back!? I’m very excited. I was also SUPER afraid that they were gonna have her bite the bullet at the end of the episode. Or drink the milk, as the case may be.
Now, I should remind you all that this is a mid-season Riverdale cliffhanger involving a mysterious, quasi-supernatural serial killer. We’re in familiar territory and I wouldn’t count ol’ Milky, or any revelations about his origins, out just yet. ESPECIALLY if it turns out that Ted is the Milkman. Take that with a 2lb box of kosher salt.
But that’s not actually the episode’s cliffhanger! And I will be LIVID if they’ve killed off my boy Reggie. They had best not! He gives into the evil temptation of Julian Blossom’s bullshit one time, one time!, and suddenly he’s knocked off? Nah. Not buying it. There’s gonna be more to it. Hopefully that more involves Greendale’s resident witch, Sabrina, and a lengthy disappearance of one Julian Blossom.
That about does it for now! Apologies if I was a little more scattershot than usual. I’m running on a very irregular sleep schedule this week. What did you all think of this week’s episode? Spooky enough for ya? Silly enough? Full of enough votive candles? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you all in two weeks for the next episode. I guess they felt taking a break in the actual middle of the season would’ve been too passe. Until then, keep pouring your fresh milk down the drain Riverdale.
Best Line of the Night:
Jughead: “Put the milk cartons down! Look everyone. Don’t drink fresh milk anymore. Just drink…powdered milk.”
