What’s up river-bitches?! Don’t turn that dial folks because Riverdale promises to show us something revealing and baring it all, or at least all that can be bared on a TV-14 network show.
Here’s the thing with promises though, they’re not always kept. As always, spoilers ahead.
1. We Open in Basketball
One of the funniest things about season 5 of Riverdale, at least to me, was the nebulous war Archie supposedly fought in during the time skip. Despite ostensibly taking place in the “real world” and happening in the late 2010s, the aesthetic was firmly set in the trenches of the 1910s and only ever referred to as The War. The details are nonexistent and it becomes increasingly absurd as the season progresses.
I also recognize that it was a missed opportunity. There’s no salient commentary in that; nothing poking at the perpetual state of war the US has existed in for at least the last 20 years, if not longer; nothing prodding at the obscene amounts of money we throw at an institution that seems to only deliver pain, misery, and destruction of a literally nameless Other. It’s just there to give Archie something to do and was a way to send him away from Riverdale for the time skip since they’d closed off him being a musician and a football player. That just leaves the Army for him to still fit Riverdale’s version of the cultural metanarrative’s idea of the All-American Boy.
All this is to say, the very real proximity to the END of a real war – the Korean War, specifically – reminded me of how strange it is to me that there was a time when we could talk about being post-war and (sort-of) meaning it. In the case of this episode, this war still hangs over the characters but, like, there’s this idea that those apparatuses were to be wound down and transitioned into something new. I’m glad it’s here, even if it’s not a major theme or anything. Of course, in true Riverdale fashion it’s illustrated in the silliest way: basketball can resume again.
Arise, ye mighty ballers and rejoice! Thine sportte iss upone thyee whence agayne.
Speaking of basketball, let’s talk about Frank and his deeply toxic masculinity.
Frank sucks! Frank keeps getting the Alice Cooper treatment and it bums me out. However, like Alice, Frank’s newfound dickishness works within the context of the era and acts as a foil to Archie’s soft masculinity and Mary’s supportive but firm parenting style. Frank sucks but that’s because the world and the Army told him this was what it means to be a “man.”
Stealing your nephew’s car? Manly. Forcing him to be the water boy and endure the endless taunting of jackass Julian? So manly. Telling him he can’t be a kid and chaining him to a job and endless studying? Manly to the extreme.
It’s interesting too that this all starts from what seems like reasonable advice: apologize to your mom for being kinda shitty because she’s doing her damn best to support the family and work on your grades because you’ve let them slip. He’s gruff about it but he’s right. Then it keeps going. And going. And going.
And eventually it goes too far.
2. Where Is the Life That Late I Led?
Over in literary land, Jughead’s starting to gain a bit of a class consciousness and fight for author rights. (Support the WGA strike, by the way.) He discovers that one of his favorite writers has been having his stories poached by Pep Comics. Plagiarism! The WORST, most HORRIBLE crime!!! I cannot believe that we would see such a scandalous, shocking sin in this era of Riverdale.
Anyway, it leads him to have a bit of a crisis of conscience and he tracks down the writer, one Bray Radbery, and they concoct a scheme to get Radbery paid for his work. It’s a fun little revision of the real story of Ray Bradbury and EC Comics, though it does continue to make me annoyed at the writers’ refusal to dig into how predatory the whole thing is and how much of a non-win these compromises actually are.
Continued belowI’m not too annoyed though. It’s fitting within the framework of the show in how we, the audience, can see through the cracks of the romanticized 50s we’ve built in our minds but the characters only have a modicum of that insight. Plus, it leads to a very fun friendship Jughead strikes up with a new writer mentor. Or at least it would be if Jughead didn’t steal one of his manuscripts.
I nearly flipped my lid when I saw this. “Not again!” I nearly yelled. After all that? Temptation, you are truly a cruel force. Thankfully he just wanted to read and return it, which is still enough to get Radbery to throw him out and, you know what? Fair. Jughead kinda deserves a loss here, even if he did get that $2 a story reprint fee for Radbery (so much money oooooooh).
3. I Hate Men
Cheryl finally comes out as a lesbian fully and now it’s time for smooch city with Toni. I have been waiting for this to resolve since the start and I’m glad they’re not going to drag it out much longer. That’s not to say it was a bad choice; I appreciate the time the writers have taken to bring Cheryl on a journey of self-discovery. It feels like an honest-to-goodness arc rather than a half-baked twist and it’s so satisfying to see her finally, truly start to move beyond the homophobia that’s been inbuilt into her.
There are two standout moments that I think got me. The first was when Cheryl “defends” Toni by denying that she’s a lesbian. Putting aside that she’s bi, that reaction is layered and interesting to me because it’s a “positive” use of homophobia in the sense that it is meant to be a shield versus Evelyn’s “negative” use meant to cut and harm like a sword. It’s a mindset that’s hard to reverse. I should know. This was how I was taught via social cues and culture in the early 2000s to talk about queerness with the queer intolerant.
As Toni points out though, it is belittling because 1) it’s not true, 2) it denies Toni the agency to define herself and 3) implies, or rather, states outright, that who she is is something to be ashamed of, to be hidden and covered up. It’s not really a defense because it’s just another form of attack. Slightly dressed up and, often, coming from a well-meaning place, but it cuts all the same.
The second moment that stood out was when Madelaine Petsch acted the hell out of her conversation with Toni in the locker room. The vulnerability she brought to Cheryl confronting not only her mother’s noxious treatment of her and her Aunt Carol – I see what you did there – but also in apologizing to Toni and then asking her out was outstanding. I got chills and I rarely get that in Riverdale. It’s like she leveled up in real time and then forgot what show she was in.
The rest is all fine and dandy Riverdale romance stuff. I just hope this means we can get an actual good romance from them this time instead of the ridiculous bullshit that happened post time-skip with the two of them.
4. Brush Up Your Shakespeare
Ronnie & Betty being besties is so much fun. I like these two best when they’re friends and not at each other’s throats. It’s refreshing and lets us have conversations like the one where she’s trying to convince Betty to wear lingerie all day under her clothes or the heart to heart about not needing sex to feel sexy. They feel like real people and not just the dueling love interests.
OK. I know it feels like they only talk about sex and boys, and they kind of only do, but that’s what this episode is about: affirming Betty’s desires and trying to actualize them while layering in Ronnie’s own conflicted feelings. Like, Betty’s got her crush on Archie but Ronnie is still pining after him, knowing she blew her chance but unable to get over the kind, goofy soul that is hunky boy Archie Andrews. Betty doesn’t know that however and because this Veronica is more haunted, her bubbly attitude a front for a loneliness that’s hard to combat, there’s a tension to her actions.
Continued belowShe wants to help Betty. She wants Betty to be shut down. She wants to support her. She also would rather she hooks up with this shitty Stonewall Prep kid. She wants Betty to see Archie’s hot bod. SHE wants to see Archie’s hot bod. It’s a contradiction that can only be resolved one way or the other.
Well, except for seeing the hot bod. That they both can do.
5. Were Thine That Special Face
I was promised a peep show as the central part of the episode and in typical Riverdale fashion was sold a bridge to Brooklyn. Or, well, I was promised a bridge and got a snowglobe with a bridge instead. See, the trailer for last week’s episode showed the window stripping scene – the titular peep show – and I expected it was going to be the crux of the episode’s conflict, the fallout of which would be explored. Instead, it happens at the end of the episode!
Yes, it was preceded by a very funny scene with Veronica’s color commentary on Archie’s bulging. . .muscles. Yes, it made sense to come at the end. But you can’t make the promise of something like that and then not deliver. At least in “Sex Education” the sexy jungle scenes were in the middle of the episode and had consequences for the episode itself!
And yes, I do realize it’s very weird to be complaining about characters that are supposed to be teens not doing more sexy stuff. I feel less weird about it this season than in the past, I think, because the convoluted nature of the conceit has created a dissonance between the “true ages” of the characters. They are teens but are also, in our heads, the mid-to-late 20s versions of themselves we’ve watched for six seasons placed in a 50s TV version of their lives. The fiction isn’t the same as it was back in season 1, 2, or even 3 & 4.
All that is to say, I appreciate the exploration of sex & sex adjacent activities in the ways teens explore them: fumbling, messily, strangely, and with glee. And then having Hal Cooper bust into Betty’s room for no reason – the light was on at midnight and he doesn’t KNOCK??? – and then they all scream.
Ahhh, there’s that Riverdale I know.
That about does it for now! What did you all think about this episode? Were you as enthralled as I was? Did you hope for more Midge and a follow-up on Ethel? I sure did. Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you in a week for Betty doing something WILD on TV. Whatever you’re thinking it is, I can guarantee it’ll be 10x sillier and less fun. Until then, stay away from open windows when you strip Riverdale, unless that’s your thing.
Best Line of the Night:
Cheryl: “Razz my berries and put them in a jelly jar.”
