Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! After last week’s somewhat tame episode, I wasn’t expecting much from “The Serpent Queen’s Gambit.” That was a mistake. Holy crap was this a jam-packed episode. Riverdale seems to be gearing up for a massive mid-season twist as things are primed and ready to go boom. Well…go boom again.
As always, spoilers ahead.
1. Grabbed by the Ghoulies
The Ghoulies have been a constant presence in Riverdale for a few seasons now as the “degenerate” version of the Serpents but they’ve never really been more than that. With the introduction of Twyla Twist and the gang war, I assumed this would be the time to really develop them.
Clearly I have failed to understand Riverdale. After shooting up Pop’s and then pretending to have kidnapped Baby Anthony – a scene which called back to Rivervale in an intriguing way – they, well, they all end up going the way of the Stonewall Preppies. Only Twyla seems to have survived, probably because we need her to think the Serpents sold her out and for her to reappear like a slasher villain. I also say “seems” because the source of that info was Percival and you know how trustworthy that schmuck is.
I’m a little sad we won’t get to see those plots develop. I was looking forward to the tension it would create, the questions it would raise, and the new characters it might introduce. Also I’ll take any excuse to have the ridiculous gang costumes continue to show up.
Ah well. Their wholesale slaughter did lead to the reappearance of my very favorite mortician: Dr. Kurdel Jr. I’ll never get tired of his haunted expression and ghostly voice.
2. Toxic Avenger
Sigh. Reggie. Buddy. What are we gonna do with you? You’re biting the head off of Veronica for trying to get your dad to stop gambling before he loses everything. Again. You’d think you’d want that dude! But nope. He’s mad and refuses to talk about why, deliberately misinterpreting her concern for uncaring.
Throughout the episode, I was wondering what the writers were doing. Normally this kind of personality shift would be par for the course in Riverdale but something seemed extra off. Turns out my instincts were right and Mr. Mantle has cancer so Reggie is letting him enjoy the time he has left. Should he be enabling this kind of vice? Once he’s got a group that, presumably, will let him win or at least not let him fall into serious debt, then yeah, it’s fine, I guess. Until then though? Nah.
Maybe Reggie will figure out how to communicate better soon so at least he doesn’t have everyone mad at him all the time.
3. No Scone Unturned
Now THIS is what I come here for. Cheryl Blossom being 10,000% extra without the baggage of sudden personality shifts. Or, well, in this case the gothic extraness of Abigail Blossom. Of all the plots this week, Cheryl’s was by far the most engaging. It’s been a while since I’ve said that. Wanna know why? No? Well too bad because the whole thing is too good not to recount.
OK. OK. So, we open on Cheryl and Britta in the tiniest graveyard I’ve ever seen that’s apparently Riverdale’s but only contains Blossom graves? Whatever. They’re standing in the rain and Abigail is like, Alrighty guess it’s time to murder the people I hate and stuff Toni with the soul of my dead beloved. Before she can, though, the core three visit her in her black shiny vinyl (?) skin-tight dress and, cause Abigail has no chill and infinite revenge points to award, she’s like “maybe I will help this Percy douchebag just to spite them” and then chases them out.
This leads to her baking an entire basket of ARSENIC-LACED SCONES and then delivering them like a scone fairy AT SCHOOL. When that inevitably fails cause Betty has a mondo sensitive bullshit detector, she just kinda…gives up? Goes back to Thornhill and is like, welp, plan B. Time to get some of Toni’s blood and do my spooky ritual to imbue her with my dead girlfriend’s soul.
Oh, but before that she finds out that the Ghoulies are trying to kill Archie and she’s all like, I have an idea. Why don’t I fucking firebomb Archie dressed like a Ghoulie? That’ll end well. So she does and then goes to do the aforementioned ritual. Eventually, Jughead goes to Thornhill to find out what the fuck is up with her and encounters Britta who mind links him the info he needs to stop Abigail in a scene that is the epitome of me describing this show to my friends.
Continued belowFinally Betty comes over, pretends Archie died thanks to the fire, chloroforms Abigail!Cheryl, and then they put her on a pyre, say some spooky words, and deliver Abigail into the creepy Julian Blossom doll while bringing Cheryl back. Let me reiterate this last part because it deserves it.
Ahem. For reasons that are never explained, they thought the best and only way to exorcise Abigail was to recreate the traumatic death that sent her on this vengeance mission in the first place by burning her alive. What were they gonna do if the fire didn’t go out with that magic wind?! Hit it with their hands?? Great plan, my dudes. Oh, and then they trapped her soul in the gaslight doll from two seasons ago, finally delivering on it truly being a haunted, cursed object. Cause that’s not a disaster waiting to happen.
Only in Riverdale folks. Only in Riverdale.
4. Percy Over All
I’ll be honest. I have a lot of trouble watching Percival do his thing. I get so mad every time he opens his mouth. We all know people like him and, as I said last time, he’s a very unsubtle metaphor. Still, his smarm is so concentrated it’s hard to really find him enjoyable as a villain.
That’s fine. I just wanted to get that out of the way because, as I said earlier, this episode moved at a breakneck pace, having dominos I thought would take weeks to fall toppling over in a matter of minutes. I guess it’s a more accurate metaphor than I thought.
5. Bible Adventures: Toni
Toni has it fucking rough this week. Not only does she have the whole gang war to deal with but, over the course of, what, a couple in-universe days?, she has the whole town turned against her, thinking she’s a bad mother, has her partner arrested, loses her spot on the town council, nearly loses the serpents AND her life, and is then arrested. Oh and her kid is threatened, stolen, returned, and then taken from her after Kevin files for primary custody. Rough doesn’t even begin to describe it and all I could think at the end was, well, we’ve got our season’s Job.
This also lends credence to my “Percy is related to Mr. Cypher, who is clearly Satan” theory, as Job is explicitly tormented by Satan in the story but is, crucially, never physically harmed. Checks all those boxes, even if Percy did want to shoot her. I dunno where she goes from here but if I had to guess, I’d say Toni’s gonna come back with a vengeance with our core crew.
That about does it for now! What did you all think of this very full episode? Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments and join me again in a week for…another boxing match. Sigh. I guess that’s the only language Archie speaks now. What happened to sensitive guitar guy Arch? Ah well. Until then, keep baking scones Riverdale. Just go lighter on the arsenic, ‘kay?
Best Lines of the Night:
1. Abigail!Cheryl: “Britta. Stoke the fires and heat the ovens. We’re preparing arsenic-laced scones.”
2. Archie: “It’s hard to mistake Cheryl. No matter what she’s wearing.”
3. Abigail!Cheryl: “You dare burn me?!”
Betty: “As many times as it takes, bitch.”
