Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! Break out the red yarn, muss up your hair, and throw papers with barely legible notes on them everywhere because it’s time for the big reveal! How did they do it? Why did they do it? And most importantly, will they get a win or is it still too early in the season for there to really be a definitive victory? Let’s find out in “The Locked Room.”
And as always, spoilers ahead.
1. Notes. Gotta have ‘em. Gotta take ‘em.
A quick peek behind the curtain for all you curious readers. I take about three pages of notes on each episode of Riverdale. Some are just me writing WHYYYYYYYYY and others are long thoughts on the meaning of a particular scene but they help me organize these thoughts; I know, I know, clearly I need better notes if past reviews are any indication. These notes usually indicate how much is going on, how frustrated I am, and how bonkers an episode is. This week, I had about a page and a half. Does that mean it was the most engrossing thing I’ve ever watched, so much so that I couldn’t pick up a pen? Y’all, it’s Riverdale, even the episodes I love I make sure to take tons of notes.
No, it was the singular focus on mostly old information. How do you write notes on stuff you’ve written extensively about before, especially when it’s in the big reveal scene? The answer is: you don’t and you try to mentally see how much you got right. Did y’all do this too? Am I talking to myself? Is there anyone out there?
Hello?
2. DuPoint the Finger
Let’s walk through this. Last week, I laid out my theory for how it was done and why. I was about 75% right and I’ll take it because I got some information wrong. I got the CPR, I got Sheriff Jones knowing by the time of the search and Jug pretending to be dead as well as him using the time to figure it all out. I was even right about Donna being the child of someone important, though I was dead wrong on who and on her motive and, actually, on who the mastermind behind the whole thing was. . .technically. Where I went wrong was with not considering Charles coming in early and helping, and now I wonder why those people with Charles didn’t say anything but whatever, and with messing up some early info.
The dead writers weren’t previous Baxter Brothers ghost writers but instead DuPont’s former classmates. That totally changes the calculus on why each murder happened and why Chipping’s death broke the pattern rather than upheld it. I was also wrong about when they came up with the plan and about Jug’s agency. He saw this as an opportunity, probably subconsciously at first since he had been, you know, brained by a rock and they were all actually shaken during those first couple days. That’s also why it all seemed so weird and was a clever move on the writer’s part; 36 hours of not knowing whether he’d live or die is far more stressful than knowing he’s dead dead.
Putting all the pieces together, we finally know why Chipping killed himself, why the students were so stone-faced at his death, and how DuPont fits into the current deaths. We always knew he was responsible for the writers, and figured it had to do with Forsythe P. Jones the First, but didn’t have quite enough concrete knowledge to be certain. DuPont had a sick game where he’d have the ghostwriter who wanted the contract to disappear/kill one of his, and I believe they all were hes, students in a manner that would make for a great plot of a Baxter Brothers novel.
This time, after Chipping re-grew his spine and conscience and thus scuttling the original plan, he found a group of students with large enough chips on their shoulders, a common enemy, and sociopathic desires to do harm to those they felt were their inferiors to lead. He nudged them, it probably didn’t take much since they’re all garbage humans, even Joan and Jonathan who we still know jack and diddly about, and so the deed was done. . .But it wasn’t because no one actually bothered to check that he was dead. He had no pulse though so. . .I guess they should’ve taken Killer Croc’s advice to be sure.
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Then we get the twist(?) that Donna was actually the granddaughter of one of the slain original classmates of DuPont and that she was out for revenge.
. . .OK there Donna. You’ve been quite smart up to this point but, like, what was your game plan here? Betty asks the right questions and it’s nice to see her do the confrontation thing this week rather than my usual hatred of its repetitiveness. It’s another good use of Donna shifting from where she was in “Dog Days Afternoon” to now, meaning her actions can be read in new ways, one reading showing she wasn’t always going to put Jug on the kill list, at least not until the game changed. I like this change, even if it does mean that Donna becomes a bit less perfect killer stand-in and more revenge killer.
Oh, and DuPont jumps out a window rather than be brought to justice, also meaning that his testimony can’t be used against the preppies but also that their testimony can’t be used against him. I dunno how I feel about this but hey, DuPont’s gone so there’s that.
3. At Least He Isn’t A Vampire
Poor Jonathan. We got, like, 3 whole lines from you in all 16 episodes and now you’ve got food poisoning. Or did he catch a case of the deaths? Maybe it was that. Whatever the case, he’s no longer here and I don’t know why. Why did Donna have him silenced? Was he gonna confess or was she just flailing? I still think his death is going to come back because of the flash forwards with the police line-up, it’s the only one we haven’t gotten yet unless I missed it, but I’m willing to be wrong. I can’t remember if Donna drops Jug’s name in that scene or not, which would scuttle this theory.
4. There’s Porn in the Dungeon!
Brett’s a skeezball and I can’t believe he tried to get a fucking FBI Agent to drop most of the charges by threatening to release blackmail porn onto the internet. First up, it’d be pretty shit quality if he was using video tapes and reuploading them, though those may have been the Quill and Skull initiation tapes, but seriously Brett? Are you that privileged that you think you could get away with that? Don’t answer. It was rhetorical and also he totally could have because the theme of the season is: have privilege, have wealth, have connections, have power, you can do whatever the fuck you want, do it with a barely hidden smirk and a paper-thin deniability, and you go free.
Glad he gets his comeuppance but wouldn’t him getting roughed up, even if it weren’t by the cops, be a big ol’ red flag and potentially chargeable? Then again, he was threatening to release a sex tape of minors, so what do I know. Also, are they 18 yet in the story? It’s not a lot of time but it makes things extra skeevy that Brett’s just OK with that and doesn’t see legal ramifications.
5. Barchie (Barf)
I can’t believe they’re adding this subplot. Why? What can’t we leave well enough alone? I’ve gotten used to Jughead and Betty, even if a lot of the dialog around their lovey-dovey moments were awful in the most uncomfortably clunky, saccharine ways. Don’t fuck it up for the sake of ~drama~. But you know what would make for some great drama? Watching Mr. Honey implode over Archie actually getting his shit together and graduating.
That about does it for now! Did y’all have as much fun in the locked room as I did? Let me know in the comments and then get ready, because next month is our yearly musical episode. Yeah, a whole month. April 8th to be precise. Gotta love The CW schedules. Last time was Heathers, the time before that was Carrie, and this time is *checks notes* Hedwig and the Angry Inch? Well, that’s not murder themed at all. Though, considering the main character is genderqueer, that’s probably for the best. Until then, lock those doors, host those parties, and make the killer in the room so uncomfortable they confess everything.
Best Line of the Night:
Jughead: “Oh you Einsteins. All you had to do was hit me in the back of the head hard enough to kill me.”
