Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! We got a hot one tonight. That’s right, a real sexy episode full of curves, reveals and teases. The steamy streets, passionate prep and coquettish courtrooms of Riverdale demand our full attention, making it impossible to take your eyes off them as the show undresses.
. . .I may be a bit loopy this week. Can anyone tell?
As always, spoilers ahead.
1. Booty Call 9-1-1
OK, I lied, there’s actually zero instances of anything remotely sexy or romantic-adjacent, this week, which had become almost an episodly staple this season, save for Kevin’s constant, CONSTANT lusting after Better-Chic Charles. Was anyone else bothered by this? Not the lack of sexy, which always feels a little weird considering its always been a bit voyeuristic on adults pretending to be teens, trying to represent the reality of sexuallly active teens so there’s that congnitive dissonance and. . .where was I again? Oh, right, Kevin.
It feels like we’ve fallen back to Kevin’s characterization circa-season 1 where he was little more than the gay best friend trope. Seriously, 5 out of his 6 lines were about how hot Charles was or in relation to Betty’s serial killer memories. Develop his more, give him space to be himself and you can still have him lust after Charles and be Betty’s closest friend, but he must be deeper on the screen or else the latter defines him rather than being one aspect of his character. I can’t fucking believe I still have to harp on this. Ken was doing it back in episode one. EPISODE ONE. Jeezus Riverdale.
2. Fuck-Me Eyes Wide Smug
I wanted to throttle multiple characters this week, which usually only happens when the characterization is bad, but for once, it was just because these characters were so, fucking, awful. I think half my notes are “Fuck them” or “Wow, what a fuckwad.” This is a good thing, by-the-by. First there was Brett and legit, if he has nothing to do with the “Death” of Jughead, I will be shocked. SHOCKED. He’s too vindictive and conniving, and connected, to not be involved in some way, shape or form. Hell, maybe he’s killed too. Who knows.
Then, there was Hal but we’ve wasted enough air on him already and it was in flashback without his head because they probably couldn’t bring in the actor.
Finally, there was Veronica’s secret grown-up sister (man, I just love the soap-opera secret sibling BS this season is tripling down on.) Her introduction raises a lot of questions like, why wasn’t she here earlier? Who did he have this daughter with? Did Hermione know about her? (And, tangent, Hermione deserves better than this.) Do her powers of smugness come from Hiram or does he simply amplify ambient smugness is other gangsters. Like, when he’s in the room, her smugness is empowered by one d12 + 4. Whatever the case, I’m not looking forward to him AND her smugging up a storm despite this outcome being way too believable and also evidence of Veronica’s continued poor understanding of the stakes of her father’s empire.
Seriously V, you have been making the same fucking mistakes every time. Learn a little!
3. Murder Dick; or, the Weston
Show of hands, who’s loving the Stonewall Prep thread? Just me? Dag. Well, let me try to convince you why it’s the best, and I only need one sentence to do it. Ready? OK.
The simple matter of this storyline is thus: Jughead, now henceforth Forsythe P. Jones III, has always been a fish out of water, first at Riverdale, then at Southside high, and has been thrust into the gaping maw of a group that looks down upon him for his heritage, a chip that Forsythe P. Jones Jr. holds as well, whereupon Forsythe P. Jones III is besieged by members of the elite, first from the obvious and then from the more devious, slowly isolated from those who understand and, more importantly, like him; it is in this tension between wanting the comfort and warmth of that which brings him joy and the desire to fight against the forces that say he is not good enough, that have squandered the privilege they have been afforded, leaving them bitter and resentful at those who did not and have done more, that the show finds itself speaking to something primal and innate and so, when the topic of the perfect murder is introduced into the mix, we find ourselves wondering and worrying how far the elite will go to prove that, contrary to reality, it is innately better than those born without access to the privledges of the world, and how far it will leverage that protection to crush Forsythe P. Jones III underfoot; a better question, perhaps, is: how long until Forsythe P. Jones III falls afoul of Brett Weston Wallace and joins his compatriots, the Stonewall Four?
Continued belowBoom. . . I definitely lost everyone reading this article, didn’t I?
Dag.
4. Naughty Crusaders
I legit cannot believe Riverdale is more directly folding in its superhero line. OH, did you not know? Yeah. Archie comics has a whole bunch of superheroes. It’s a weird line that has been revived, killed off, revived again at DC, killed off again before publishing anything really, and then revived AGAIN back at Archie comics before disappearing like almost all of their comics. Sacasa, where are the rest of the “Afterlife with Archie” and “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” issues? I need my resolution dammit!
But yeah, Archie and Mad Dog dressed as a couple of them last week. Sheriff Minetta from last season, who is referenced this week in flashback, actually was the most recent incarnation of the Hangman in the comics. Oh, and so was this little known person known as the Black Hood. You may have heard of him? I dunno, he’s a bit obscure for the TV audience.
But I bring this up because Archie is actually dressing up and acting more like the Black Hood in comics, which is an interesting choice. I want to see where this ends up going and if it means he’s learned anything from his time as Hiram’s capo back when he was naive and stupid rather than now, when he’s just kind of idealistic. Arch has come a long way from being the football playing but guitar wanting to play, teacher fucking teen we met in season one, a fact I will never forget, as much as I want to, and one I will not let the show forget it because it was bad and the show should feel bad.
5. Twins ft. Danny Devit-ho and Arnold Schvartzenegger
OK. Now hear me out. There’s a theory going around that Jug has a secret twin. With the amount of secret siblings, I can see how that would make sense. I think that’s a stupid theory that undercuts the dramatic tension but if it does turn out to be true, I would love for him to be introduced not as his identical twin but instead as his identical except for his nose twin. He shows up, with a comically extended nose, and then is killed and they get a plastic surgeon to fuck with the nose so that the body, which we saw the face of last-week, implying that Jug is definitely dead — to which I say, there’s some twist here but I don’t quite know what it is yet — can be identified as Jug. Why he wants to fake his death? I dunno. But we’ll find out.
My current going theory, and this is the workshop version, is that Charles is setting something up to maneuver Betty into a situation where she’ll embrace those serial killer instincts this episode drilled into her. Honestly, as much as I hate this pervasive plot, which is a close second to “If I unlock more than 10% of my brain, somehow I will become smart enough to FUCKING TIME TRAVEL AND TURN MYSELF INTO A USB STICK FUCK YOU LUCY YOU SHITTY MOVIE.”
. . .*Ahem*. Sorry. Lost my composure there for a sec. What I meant to say was, whether that leads to Jug’s death or if Jug’s death, sorry, “death,” is unconnected, I’m not sure but the two feel like they’ll converge at some point in a less than positive way. On his “death,” I’m really loving the ending stinger scenes. It’s a great way to build tension and speculation without having to build direct cliffhangers into the episode and acts as a punctuation mark on the episode. Crystallizing a theme or undercutting a moment in very eerie ways. Loving it.
That about does it for now! What did you all think of the episode? Was it as enjoyable for you as I found it? If not, let me know in the comments and I’ll see you all next week for the fucking return of Chic????? Nope. Fuck that noise. I’m out. Thought he was dead. Turns out he’s like the fucking Hulk and night is his time. *sigh* I hate myself, don’t I? Until next time, stay out of the woods, keep writing, and don’t trust anyone y’all.
Best Line of the Night:
Kevin: “You’re like A Beautiful Mind, but for serial killers.”
